My Predictions for 2026
Once again peering into the future with my cracked crystal ball
It’s been long established that I have an uncanny talent for predicting the future. My 2025 predictions were, I think you’ll agree, unerringly accurate.
A new year recently arrived. That, of course, means it’s time for me to once again don my mystical hat (old colander), ready my crystal ball and reawaken my alter ego: Claire Voyans.
So, without further ado, let me introduce my top predictions for 2026...
*Begin accompanying mood music (an ethereal wind chime cascade, followed by a mild bout of the hiccups)*
Water will be discovered on a distant planet, sparking immediate debate over how to privatise it.
Red squirrels will stage a comeback against their dominant grey cousins after the UK government arms them with swords and crossbows.
As a man is found bludgeoned to death with a box of Rice Krispies, London will awaken to news of a new cereal killer.
A sequel to the movie Don’t Look Up will be announced: I Wouldn’t Look Under There If I Were You!
A YouGov poll will reveal that 85% of people don’t understand statistics. (Thankfully I’m in the other 25%)
To improve delivery standards, courier companies will announce parcels will be delivered by trebuchet.
Ed Sheeran will release a song about self-raising flour.
As big industry continues to search for alternative, more sustainable fuels, Google will invent a car that runs on taramasalata.
In February, a man called Simon will marry his iPhone 17 and name her Iris.
In September, Simon will be caught cheating with an iPhone 18. Iris will file for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and win full custody of their wireless AirPods.
To clear surgery backlogs, the NHS will hire anyone who’s ever beaten the board game Operation.
Someone in Barnsley will build a full-scale replica of Stonehenge entirely from chicken teriyaki. Druids will gather for the summer solstice with a bowl of rice and stir-fried vegetables.
And that, as they say, is that. What an exciting year it promises to be. I’ve been tempted to escape the madness going on in our world by faking my own death and moving to a cave in the Scottish Highlands, but I might just stick around to watch everything unfold.
Until next time,
Claire Alastair 👋
P.S: If you want to go back and re-live last year’s predictions, you can do so here.
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