My Predictions for 2025

Peering into the future with a slightly cracked crystal ball and a mug of questionable tea

We’re into 2025—Lord help us.

At this time of year, it’s tradition for me to look back on my predictions from the previous January and boldly forecast the next twelve months. That’s right. Today, it’s time for me to don my mystical hat, ready my crystal ball and become my alter ego: Claire Voyans.

You may be wondering why I do this. Allow me to explain.

A few years ago, David Bowie appeared to me in a dream. “Bill,” he said (not sure why he called me that, but it felt profound), “the stars have whispered your name, and they've revealed your rare gift for glimpsing the future. Go forth and share it with the world.”

And so, every year, I peer nonchalantly into the cosmic unknown to make my predictions for the following year.

*Begin mildly otherworldly mood music (an enthusiastic harp flourish, followed by an unwelcome sneeze)*

Before we gaze forward to 2025, let’s revisit 2024 and marvel at the accuracy of the predictions I made last January…

I can tell you’re impressed. If you’re wondering how I achieve this level of accuracy, the answer lies in these three things:

1. My mystical hat (an old colander, stained with the remnants of last night’s pasta).

2. A connection to the great beyond (usually through Wi-Fi).

3. A stash of magical Jammy Dodgers.

Looking back at 2024, it was quite a year for me. I organised a speed awareness course and Christmas wreath-making class at my workplace, announced plans for an inconvenience store, and even brainstormed some revolutionary new products — including a new range of milk…

I’m still waiting to hear back from supermarkets about this one. With Christmas now over, I’m confident I’m at the top of their calling list.

But, that all seems very last year. You’re no doubt wondering what’s going to happen in 2025. Well, wonder no longer—here are my predictions…

And there you have it. You know what’s coming for 2025, so you can prepare yourself accordingly. Personally, I’m heading off to hide somewhere safe—probably inside a reinforced biscuit tin with a roll of bubble wrap and a trowel.

Wishing you a very happy and healthy 2025.

Until next time,

Alastair 👋

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