The Inconvenience Store

My new venture. Let's talk shop!

Located somewhere an unreasonable distance from you — Alastair’s Inconvenience Store — where everything you need is either out of stock or on a high shelf. And, don’t expect a shopping basket - or a receipt!

What’s in store?

Not a lot, so temper your expectations. Should you make the Herculean effort required to get to my store, and by some miracle find it open (highly unlikely), here’s what you will find:

Milk — Forget picking up a 2-litre bottle of semi-skimmed; we’re back to basics. Expect to find our lovable cow, Bessie, whom you’ll need to milk by hand. Don’t worry, we provide child-sized plastic gloves to help with the task!

Bread — If you want a loaf of bread, you’ll find it in the oven. So, you’ll need to wait 20 minutes before fetching it out with a pair of unwieldy salad tongs. As for baguettes, they’re available, but only if you can defeat our eccentric baker, Pierre, in a one-on-one baguette duel. En-garde!

Cereals — Good news: our store has a cereal section. Bad news: the section is just a giant crate of cornflakes, and you’ll need to pick up each flake by hand using a pair of chopsticks.

Eggs — Every good convenience store must have a range of eggs. And, that’s why we don’t have any. If you want eggs, you’ll need to buy a chicken from the farm down the road and BE PATIENT.

Frozen foods — All frozen foods are encased in large blocks of ice. You’ll need to use ski gloves, ice picks, and chisels to free the items you want. Make sure you bring those tools with you, as we don’t provide them.

Fruit — Our inconvenience store stocks a wide variety of fresh fruit - if you like watermelons. We’re currently offering an incredible deal: buy 19 watermelons, get the 20th free!

Free From — We boast an extensive free-from produce section. By that, we mean it’s a section free from produce (just an empty shelf).

Milkshakes — Our store offers a range of FRESH milkshakes. There’s a bit of a process involved, however. You’ll need to coax Bessie (introduced above) onto our malfunctioning massage chair. As it vibrates and shakes wildly, you can start milking. Moo-velous!

Alcohol — Although we don’t stock any alcohol (why would we?), we are proud to have an in-store whine merchant. His name is Harold, a perpetually tipsy, embittered old man who spends his days complaining about ‘woke culture’.

The purchase experience

Naturally, we have only one checkout in our store, with a conveyor belt that’s slower than an arthritic tortoise. Leading our checkout team is Maureen, a self-proclaimed ‘semi-amateur’ psychic who likes to make snap judgments based on shoppers’ baskets, often broadcasting them over the tannoy to impress her imaginary friends.

Every now and then, to keep checkout customers on their toes, Duty Manager Tony will showcase his tenpin bowling skills by hurling one of our fresh watermelons down the conveyor belt. If he manages to knock all your shopping off the belt (strike!), you’ll be rewarded with a whopping 0.3% discount on your bill. Bonus points if you catch the watermelon without breaking a finger!

When it comes to paying, please note that payments are only accepted in cash, either in Japanese Yen or Mongolian Tögrög.

As you prepare to pack your shopping, it’s important to remember that plastic or paper ‘single-use’ shopping bags are not provided at our store. However, we do offer an exclusive range of ‘Bags For Death’ at the checkout. Simply exchange one for your soul, and then use it as much as you can before your imminent demise. Death is, after all, the ultimate inconvenience.

If you don’t enjoy your shopping experience, ‘Tenpin Tony’ will be on hand with a 154-page feedback form for you to fill out. Note that all completed feedback forms will be fed straight into our shredder without being reviewed, and then ceremonially fed to Bessie. This is in accordance with the ‘Inconsequential Feedback Disposal Act’ of 1653.

Thank you for considering a visit. I apologise in advance for any convenience.

Alastair