Noodle Chronicles: Autumn 2025
A quick roundup of recent nonsense
Like a paranoid thief stealing a mirror, I like to regularly look back and reflect. It’s been three months since I last clogged the arteries of your Inbox with my literary cholesterol. So, today I’m going to remedy that with a quick roundup. Here’s what I’ve been up to since you last heard from me:
Work updates
In early September, a new White Stuff shop opened next to my workplace. Being an inquisitive sort of chap, I paid it a visit. Must admit, I felt utterly bewildered – coloured stuff everywhere. I was expecting Tippex, swans and table salt. After calming down, I expressed my disappointment in writing, with a weakly worded letter.
On white paper.
Now, believe it or not, I don’t earn a living from my Noodle Chasing, and occasionally I’m called upon to do serious work. Indeed, a colleague told me recently, “Not everything has to be funny, you know.” (Clearly, they’re a reader of my articles.) I learned a lesson that day – don’t crack jokes during a hostage negotiation.
They had a point, though. There is a time and a place. Take the incident where someone tipped salt and pepper on my head during a work lunch. Nothing funny about that whatsoever. In that moment, I became what I’ve always dreamed of being: a seasoned professional.
Health
Health wise, I can report that things have been a bit rocky of late. You see, a couple of months ago I got admitted to hospital with kidney stones, after a very long wait in A&E. It was an excruciating experience all around. Doctors told me I needed to drink three litres of water a day to pee the stones out. I almost passed out in shock: “THREE LITRES? How am I supposed to do that – waterboarding?”
On the positive side, the doctors told me I’m a “stone former”, which makes me sound like some kind of revolutionary. I’ll take that. In fact, I might have “Stone Former” etched on my gravestone. Although, that depends on how I go out.
You see, I’m famous for having an allergy to milk. And you may remember I previously declared my perfect departure from this world would involve being run over by a milk float.
Tough decisions lie ahead.
Anyway, I’ve gone wandering off into death, and no-one should ever do that. Let’s get back to my stone experience.
After my long A&E visit and hospital stay, I did what any sensible Noodle Chaser would do, and drew up a blueprint for behavioural zoning in hospital wards...
(I need practice drawing hands.)
Still on the subject of health, my psychological state took a hit recently too. I felt more than a little upset (which is rare for me (although last week I overheard someone say “expresso” instead of “espresso” (which at least isn’t as bad as someone saying “pacific” instead of “specific” (did you know that the Pacific ocean is home to the tallest mountain on Earth (Mauna Kea in Hawaii))))) when someone suggested I might have ADHD.
Deep thoughts
Moving on, I’m pleased to report to you that my recent health experiences haven’t stopped me pondering life’s big questions:
If I’m force-fed Alphabetti Spaghetti, is it CAPITAL punishment?
Is a cat cafe just a feline lap dancing club?
If Stevie Wonder’s song ‘Signed, Sealed, Delivered’ was rewritten for the 2020s, would it be called ‘Signed, Sealed, Left in a Safe Place by the Wheelie Bin’?
I think the answer is “yes” to all three of the above questions, but I might throw them open to a public consultation.
Speaking of questionable ideas, everyone seems to be writing crime novels these days, aren’t they? I’ve always wanted to write one, creating a character like the famous fictional sleuths of 70s and 80s television: Perry Mason, Jessica Fletcher or my favourite of all:
Lieutenant Christopher Columbus.
Truth is, though, detective novels are ten-a-penny. If I really want literary acclaim, I need to aim higher. So I’ve set to work on some ideas for Booker Prize-worthy novels. I encourage you to choose your favourite:
A noir-style detective novel, but set in the current age where vaping has displaced smoking. ‘He walked slowly away, leaving nothing behind but the faint ghost of blueberry and mint...’
A novel about an 80-year-old former library worker-turned-detective who puts her age and excellent health down to a meat-free diet. The crime-solving tales of an octogenarian, vegetarian librarian.
A high court judge who sentences criminals with a haiku: Poetic Justice.
They’re great aren’t they? Let me know which you prefer and I’ll make a start, right after I water my goldfish and construct a self-driving car out of napkins.
And finally
I’ve realised that it’s been a year since I started Chasing a Noodle. 52 weeks. Or, to use the modern parenting unit of time, 365 sleeps. That may not seem long to you and me, but to an insomniac it’s an eternity.
Anyway, you’d think these articles would be funnier by now. But if nothing else I can regard it as a victory for consistency. They’re a lot like my kidney stones – a bit rough around the edges and an altogether tormenting experience.
Until next time,
Alastair
🕵️♂️☝️ Just one more thing... If you enjoyed this article, please consider giving it a like and sharing it with a friend or a family member who has a solid alibi.
You can also subscribe for free below to receive my next article in your Inbox.