New Olympic Events

As the French curtain gracefully falls on the 2024 Olympic Games, it’s time to look to the future. The International Olympic Committee recently wrote to me, seeking my unparalleled expertise in devising new events for the 2028 Games. Naturally, I couldn’t turn this kind of request down, so I immediately set my brain to work and came up with the following…

Speed Towel-Drying 🚿

Fairly self-explanatory. Participants must dash out of the shower and dry themselves with a towel as quickly as possible. The fastest one wins, but time penalties are imposed for any water dripped on the floor. To add unpredictability and peril, a roulette wheel determines the size of their towel, ranging from a generous bath sheet to a minuscule face cloth.

Brie Eating

The rules are simple: the first competitor to consume an entire wheel of Brie without hurling wins. To aid their cheesy challenge, each contender is granted one 20-second timeout for an emergency cracker.

Fencing

Not the traditional sport with the pointy swords. Instead, participants have 15 minutes to put up a fence panel. Bonus points are awarded for creosote, but deductions apply for wobbly installations or complaints from fictional neighbours.

The Tug of Love ❤️

You can banish that dirty thought from your mind right now - it’s nothing to do with that!

Imagine a traditional tug of war, but with a twist: the two contenders love each other. The winner is the one who graciously loses, allowing the other person to win and proving that love conquers all. Aww! 💏

Synchronised Gargling

Teams of garglers perform elaborate routines set to music, creating bubbly melodies. Bonus points are awarded for executing complex choreography without choking on gargle backwash.

3,000 Metres Steeplechase

A twist on the traditional Olympic event in which athletes run around a track, navigating hurdles and water jumps. In this version, competitors have to run 3,000m while dressed as a church.

Paper Clips

I haven’t fully worked this one out yet. But, it will involve paper clips. 🖇️

Real-life Snakes and Ladders 🐍🪜

It's a travesty that this isn’t already an Olympic sport. Entrants attempt to climb ladders while avoiding venomous snakes. Execution points are awarded for avoiding death. What’s not to like?

Deliveroo

Nothing to do with the food-delivery company, of course.

For this event, participants must embark on a journey to deliver a feisty kangaroo, a cockatoo and a post-festival portaloo to a far-off location as quickly as possible and without incident.

Competitive Napping

A proper spectator sport. Competitors are judged on their ability to fall asleep in unusual positions. Style points are awarded for snoring harmony and dribble control.

and finally…

Freestyle Gift Wrapping 🎁

We all know someone who’s good at gift wrapping, right? I certainly do (it’s not me!). In this event, participants are tasked with wrapping a series of tricky objects, including a bowl of soup, a live octopus, and the Taj Mahal.

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I think we can all agree that these events would greatly enhance the excitement of the Olympics, and I recommend that the International Olympic Committee introduces them forthwith.

Alastair