I’ve reached a new milestone — 14 subscribers. Shout it out loud — FOURTEEN. I call it the incompetent baker’s dozen. Henry XIII called it a challenge. “Divorced, beheaded, pushed down the stairs …” 💀
Fourteen is also the number of attempts it takes me to iron a shirt to end up with fewer creases than it started with. So, there's a lot going for that number.
I wish I could thank each of you individually for helping me reach my triumphant landmark, but that would take me all minute. So, instead, I’ll light a ceremonial candle and make an overly dramatic bow of gratitude.
As you can imagine, now that I've reached the elite level of mid-teens, I'm feeling very positive. In fact, I haven’t felt this level of pride since I passed my primary school Cycling Proficiency Test.
I remember the occasion well. Battling through driving rain, I overcame the challenging conditions and became the only child that day to fully complete the test and receive a certificate. (That may have something to do with the fact that every other child had passed the first time—a week earlier, in the sunshine)
Certificates aside (or rather, proudly displayed above my fireplace 🚲), with my meteoric rise in popularity, this seems a good time to take the obvious next step.
So, here we go. Drum roll, please. 🥁
I’m launching an OnlyFans…
Although it sounds enticing, be warned that it may give you wind.
But hey, every OnlyFans journey starts somewhere, right?
Believe me when I tell you that I have big aspirations for Chasing a Noodle, so I'm not about to rest on my laurels with 0.00000017% of the world’s population as a subscriber base. That’s why I’ve fully committed to reaching the mighty heights of 20 subscribers by October 2036—a figure Henry XIII would have deemed ambitious, but achievable with the right kind of lawyers.
I might offer some kind of free prize draw for reaching the big 2-0, with the winner receiving a year’s subscription to Sheep! Magazine or a tub of industrial-grade margarine. Food for thought, as it were.
Anyway, I’ve got to leave it there for today. Like a dog enthusiastically chewing on a toilet brush, what started as a fun idea has rapidly turned into 💩. My ceremonial candle is now burning out of control and has set fire to my pile of creased shirts. The fans aren’t exactly helping the situation, either. I need to rescue my cycling proficiency certificate before it’s reduced to ashes! 🔥
Until next time. 👋
Alastair