I’ve reached a new milestone: 14 subscribers. Shout it out loud — FOURTEEN. I call it the incompetent baker’s dozen. Henry XIII called it a challenge. “Divorced, beheaded, pushed down the stairs …” 💀
Fourteen is also the number of attempts it takes me to iron a shirt to end up with fewer creases than it started with. So, there's a lot going for that number.
I wish I could thank each of you individually for helping me reach my triumphant landmark, but that would take me all minute. So, instead, I’ll light a ceremonial candle and make an overly dramatic bow of gratitude.
As you can imagine, now that I've reached the elite level of mid-teens, I'm feeling very positive. In fact, I haven’t felt this level of pride since I passed my primary school Cycling Proficiency Test.
I remember the occasion well. Battling through driving rain, I overcame the challenging conditions and became the only child that day to fully complete the test and receive a certificate. (That may have something to do with the fact that every other child had passed the first time: a week earlier, in the sunshine)
Certificates aside (or rather, proudly displayed above my fireplace 🚲), with my meteoric rise in popularity, this seems a good time to take the obvious next step.
So, here we go. Drum roll, please. 🥁
I’m launching an OnlyFans…
Although it sounds enticing, be warned that it may give you wind.
But hey, every OnlyFans journey starts somewhere, right?
Believe me when I tell you that I have big aspirations for Chasing a Noodle, so I'm not about to rest on my laurels with 0.00000017% of the world’s population as a subscriber base. That’s why I’ve fully committed to reaching the mighty heights of 20 subscribers by October 2036: a figure Henry XIII would have deemed ambitious, but achievable with the right kind of lawyers.
I might offer some kind of free prize draw for reaching the big 2-0, with the winner receiving a year’s subscription to Sheep! Magazine or a tub of industrial-grade margarine. Food for thought, as it were.
Anyway, I’ve got to leave it there for today. Like a dog enthusiastically chewing on a toilet brush, what started as a fun idea has rapidly turned into 💩. My ceremonial candle is now burning out of control and has set fire to my pile of creased shirts. The fans aren’t exactly helping the situation, either. I need to rescue my cycling proficiency certificate before it’s reduced to ashes! 🔥
Until next time. 👋
Alastair