I recently wrote a blog article called Make Your Supermarket Trip Fun. Since then, life has gone a bit mad with work and a flat move. However, today I’m back and I’m…. writing about supermarkets again. I don’t live in a supermarket, believe me (but, if I did, I’d pitch my tent in the bakery aisle).

I was queueing at a supermarket checkout yesterday. Everyone was being so polite – standing in a straight line, not saying what they were thinking (“what the hell is he buying shampoo for – he’s bald?”). It got me thinking: I wonder if there are any articles on supermarket etiquette. It turns out that there are. Here’s one written for WikiHow.

However, it’s very boring, so here’s:

Alastair’s Alternative Supermarket Checkout Etiquette

1. Fill up a basket with as many individual items as you possibly can – stack them high and make sure you include a watermelon and a baguette (more on that in a minute). Then, making it obvious that you’re struggling to carry the heavy weight, head to the ‘basket only’ aisle. Whilst standing in the queue attracting everyone’s attention, keep muttering the words “I’m sure I’ve forgotten something….” Next, start counting your items loudly, but keep forgetting what number you got to and start again.

2. As you stand in the queue, comment on the shopping of the person behind you. Draw particular attention to anything that could possibly be embarrassing and talk in a loud voice. “Ah, I see you’re buying a cucumber…. so, you don’t have a fella in your life at the moment then….”

3. When you get to the stage where there is one person infront of you, grab the watermelon from your basket and hurl it down the conveyor belt towards the other end. As it hits the customer’s shopping pile, and scatters their items in all directions, yell out the word “STRIKE!” and do a little celebration dance.

4. Once the person infront has collected their goods (from the conveyor belt, the floor and the trolleys of various passers-by) and the conveyor belt is completely empty, seize your opportunity. Lay down on the conveyor belt (front first) and belly-surf your way down to the far end with your arms out (tip: ensure you haven’t put any shopping on the conveyor belt first).

5. As you talk to the cashier, change accents frequently and see if they notice. Start British, then move to American, Italian, Australian, French and finish with Welsh (as they always come last ).

6. When asked if you require assistance with packing your shopping, say “yes.” When the assistant arrives and begins to help you pack, repeatedly beat them over the head with the baguette and shout “come on – FASTER!!”

7. Help the cashier out. As they are scanning your items, lean over and start tapping the keys on their keypad. When asked what you are doing, tell them that you’re trying to solve a complex logarithmic equation that will safeguard the future of humanity. To help them further, make the beeping sound yourself as they scan items in (and vary the pitch).

8. When it comes to paying, pull a huge bag of pennies out of your pocket and begin to count them out, one by one. As you’re counting, forget where you got to and start again. Attempt to enlist the help of passers by, and the employee helping you pack, in counting your money and offer to pay them 10 pence each for their trouble. Increase the offer in 1 pence amounts until they agree, then pull out a contract form for them to fill in and sign.

Do you find yourself feeling bored, frustrated and disillusioned when you undertake your regular supermarket shopping expedition? It’s time to change all that!

Here’s a few challenges and ideas to make it more interesting for you and your fellow shoppers…

Challenge 1 – Don’t Shop From The Shelves

Pick yourself a trolley (try to get one that doesn’t have a wonky wheel) and enter the store. Now, before you grab for that 2-for-1 cake offer, stop. For this challenge, you’re only allowed to shop from other people’s trolleys. That’s right – you’re not allowed to put anything in your trolley that comes directly off the supermarket shelf.

I know what you’re thinking – that’s surely a bit cruel to the person you’re taking from? To help you get over the guilt, you’re allowed to replace the item you take with another similar-sized item from a supermarket shelf. Here’s an example:

You see an 85 year-old lady walking around and you spot that she has a jar of your favourite jam in her trolley. Whilst she is inspecting the tubes of Denture Cream, you creep up, take the jam and replace it with a box of PleasureMax Condoms. Problem solved – no guilt for you.

Challenge 2 – Fancy Dress

When you go shopping for a specific item, you should dress as the item you are going to buy. Be careful – it could be slightly embarrassing if you’re going in to buy tampons….

Need multiple items? Great – take your family along with you!

Challenge 3 – The Supermarket Dash

This challenge is simple – you have to get from one end of the supermarket to the other in the shortest time, whilst shouting the words “I forgot the cornflakes!!!” and frantically waving your arms in the air. Bonus points are given for shoving people head-first into the freezers…

On festive occasions, the word “cornflakes” can be substituted for items such as mince pies, cranberry sauce, hot-cross-buns, etc.

If you get bored with this one, an alternative version is to dress as an alcoholic tramp and crawl slowly along the floor towards the beer section whilst slurring the words “must have a…l…c…o…h…o…l.” If you can make it without being grabbed by security, you win.

Challenge 4 – Persuasion

Are you a good sales person? Now’s the time to find out. You have to act like a sales person and sell a product to someone that you wouldn’t usually expect to purchase that item. You can choose to make this as difficult as you want to, depending on how you’re feeling. For example, if you want an easy challenge you could try persuading an obese lady to purchase a packet of Jamie Dodgers. Slightly more difficult, you could try to sell shampoo to a bald man. Just don’t try to sell a pack of sausages to a vegetarian muslim….

Conclusion

All of these challenges should help ensure that your shopping trip remains interesting and entertaining. Just make sure that you shop at different supermarkets, to avoid being banned for bad behaviour….

No-one ever wants to come shopping with me anymore – I can’t understand why!?

Now you’ve finished reading this, why not read my article on alternative supermarket checkout etiquette.

Sitting in the corner of my lounge are a set of three small tables. These could be referred to as ‘occasional tables.’

My question is this: If they’re occasional tables, what are they the rest of the time? Furthermore, if I have a set of three occasional tables, should I be using them for different occasions or should I be tremendously extravagant and use them all for one big event?

I almost feel that my occasional tables are not achieving their full potential; ensconced in the corner of my lounge. Perhaps, with these furniture items being a part-time rest place for discarded items and drinks, on special occasions, they could engage in more exciting activities the rest of the time? The smallest occasional table, for example, could be a part time shelter for a homeless mongoose. The largest occasional table could be a life-raft for a very small colony of dwarf rabbits (incase they get stuck in a boat in rough weather).

The definition for an ‘occasional table’ is “a table that is small enough that it does not have a very practical use. It is used mostly for decoration or display.”

So, an occasional table is a bit like Katie Price (albeit with no bust…. unless someone has placed their priceless Winston Churchill sculpture on it)…

I think the definition should be changed to:

an occasional table is an extraordinary piece of furniture that, when not used as a rest place for items during significant occasions, can be used to save the lives of dwarf rabbits all over the world from certain peril on the high seas.

So, next time you see an occasional table sitting somewhere, looking unused, just remember that it’s only having a rest from its regular, important jobs. It’s waiting for the moment to fulfil its potential…

Today I’m going to have a rant about something (or rather, ‘someone’) that really pisses me off…

The guy (or woman – this isn’t a gender-specific annoyance) who walks into a cafe on a cold day and leaves the door open. It only takes 2 seconds to close the door and save everyone from a chilling blast of arctic cold up their jacksey.

Yet this idiot, wearing his super-thick winter coat, doesn’t think about that, does he?

So, what happens next?

You get up from your chair and walk across to ‘ferme la porte‘, ensuring that you slam it hard enough that the noise resonates around the room and shakes all the pictures off the walls. Everyone looks up at you, except for the ignorant ‘merde‘ who left it ajar in the first place. You then trudge back to your seat (although in your mind you’re walking up to the man, grabbing his head and bashing it onto the counter infront of him).

You sit down, feeling irritated, and continue with what you were doing (the crossword in the newspaper, in which, coincidentally, the answer to 4 across is ‘tosspot’ – well, it’s not really, but it does fit, so f*ck it!)

Just as your mood begins to return to somewhere near normality, the inevitable happens. The guy has ordered take-away and, having paid for his sandwich and coffee by emptying the entire collection of loose change from his wallet, bag and coat pockets into a heap on to the counter, he opens the door and goes to walk out. You’re waiting for him to either shut the door behind him or give you the motive for murder.

Instead, he taunts you by doing neither and begins a long goodbye speech to the cafe owner (with the door wide open). Well, that’s enough for you – you get up off your chair, spilling the unfinished crossword to the floor, and sprint across the room, slamming the door in his face and knocking him and his coffee half way down the street. That’ll teach the little ‘4 across!’

Valentines Day is fast approaching – the time of year that florists and card shop owners rejoice, whilst the rest of us cringe with dread.

One wonders who hates Valentine’s Day more – the man trying to find something suitably romantic for his partner or the guy who receives nothing and ends the day unloved… and locked up for stalking.

So, for a man, how does a typical Valentine’s Day shopping trip turn out…

It’s February the 13th and you’ve left it late. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and you’ve put the dreaded shopping trip off as long as you can. Your prayers for a nuclear holocaust have gone unanswered. What’s more, your clever scheme to coat the 2010 calendar in dog food didn’t work either. Your hungry dog, Charlie, ignored it and chewed through your favourite pair of slippers instead. There’s only one thing for it, you’re going to have to go out shopping.

So, what should you buy? You’re going to need one hell of a romantic gesture to beat last year’s effort. Spelling “I love you Catharine Elizabeth Alexandra Mackenzie” in your own blood, whilst bungee jumping from a crane, resulted in a month in the Intensive Care ward. You can only blame yourself… for choosing a partner with such a long name. On the plus side, the effort did win you immense respect (from other men).

Not only do you have to contend with bettering last year, but you also have to out-romance your partner’s best friend. A week hardly goes by without your partner’s friend bragging about the romantic gestures that her husband makes, and your partner thinks nothing of mentioning them to you in conversation. The cow (that’s aimed at the friend, obviously, not your partner!).

The Card Shop

(the easiest part of the shopping expedition… supposedly)

So, what message should you look for in a Valentine’s Day card? If you’re in a relationship, you’re looking for a card that gives the message “I love you more than life itself,” without going over the top. If you’re playing the field a bit, you’re looking for the card that says “you are the one and only,” in a ‘buy one, get one free’ offer…

You walk into the card shop and are immediately greeted by a sea of red Valentine’s Cards, going on as far as the eye can see. The last time you saw this amount of red concentrated in one place was when you drunkenly knocked a bottle of Merlot on to your friend’s carpet (and proceeded to try and lick it up). Standing in front of the abundant rows of cards are lines of confused-looking men, scratching their heads, leaning to one side and dribbling from one side of the mouth. You walk over to join them. At this point one of two things happen:

1. You pick up the first card, open it and find it has the perfect message:

   I bought this Valentine’s card at the store, in hope that, later, you’d be my whore.

   OR

   Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown… but so’s your ass.

   OR

   Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow!

   Thinking, “wow, that was easy,” you make your way to pay.

2. You pick up card after card, but can’t find one that looks right or conveys the right message. What’s more, every card seems to read like a miniature novel on how your love life should be, but isn’t. If you plump for a card at random, you know fully well that she’ll be thinking “he didn’t really make an effort with this one, did he?” After two and a half hours of looking, with legs wobbling and brain rotting, you opt for the best one that you can find – a £20 gold-patterned card with a pig on it (let’s hope she doesn’t think you’re calling her one).

Choosing a Present

Right, so, you’ve bought the card. Now you have to think about a present…

Flowers

Flowers are a good option for your loved one for Valentine’s Day (and they represent your relationship well – after a while they wither and die). Now then, would she prefer red, yellow, white or pink and how much should you spend?

Chocolates

Ordinarily, chocolates would make a good present. But you know fully well that she’ll only scoff the lot and then ask you the question “do you think I look fat?” two days later.

Lingerie

A romantic idea. However, you’ll only get the wrong size and, besides, the last time you tried to buy lingerie you were thrown out for ogling the breasts of the sales girls.

Dinner

You could take her out for dinner. But you’ve left it late and all the decent restaurants have been booked up already. So, it’s either a meal at the local greasy spoon or a take-away kebab.

There’s always the romantic thought of cooking her dinner. But last time you cooked beans on toast you accidentally destroyed her favourite saucepan and set fire to Charlie. She’d never forgive you if you did that again, and neither would Charlie (what’s left of him).

Conclusion

It looks pretty hopeless – you’d better find yourself a bungee cord and a crane (I suggest you just draw a heart this year and forget about her name!).

We’ve all been there – the nervous first date. You meet up with your victim/date and sit down to chat over a coffee. But, after a while you’ve exhausted the regular questions like “so, what do you do for a living?” and “lovely weather, isn’t it?” There’s an awkward silence as you both reach for the last digestive biscuit…

To help you, I’ve come up with a handy list of questions that you can ask your date, to get the conversation moving again.

Here’s some good ones:

1. What is your dream job?
2. Do you have any interesting collections?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow with any ability, what would you choose?
4. If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
5. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
6. If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

And here’s some alternative ones:

1. That’s a lovely outfit… have you always been colour blind?
2. You have a really interesting haircut… how much sponsorship money have you raised?
3. So, how long have you been in the witness relocation programme?
4. Are you a nun? Do you have any bad habits? (ok, that was a terrible joke)
5. Have you given names to all of your head lice or just the special ones?
6. Have you ever been on a date, but found that there was no spark? Well, you won’t get that problem with me – I’m an arsonist!
7. Is that piercing supposed to be there or has someone attacked you with a staple gun?
8. So, how long have you owned your womble costume?
9. I highly recommend colonic irrigation – have you ever tried it?
10. Have you always had a moustache… I’m not sure it goes with that blouse?
11. Why are you staring at me like that – haven’t you ever seen a naked man before?
12. Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? No, good… (quickly change subject)
13. Has anyone ever told you that when you laugh, you sound like the woman from the Krankies? Come to think of it, you don’t look too dissimilar either…
14. I’ve been trying to figure it out all night… are those breasts real?
15. So, what do you think of my “I Shag On The First Date” t-shirt?
16. Has anyone ever told you that you have very big hands for a lady… and is that an adams apple?
17. Did I mention that I’m Gillian McKeith’s younger brother? If you’d like to take a crap into this plastic box, I’ll tell you what’s wrong with your diet…
18. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? I mean, they can do wonders with noses these days!
19. Have you met my imaginary friend Phillip? Say hello, Phillip…
20. Where would you like to go for our honeymoon – I was thinking Morocco…?

Ok, I admit it, I’ve been dabbling in the world of online dating. It’s been an interesting and, occasionally, eye-opening experience.

Earlier today, I was looking through a few online dating profiles and the following irritating phrase came up several times:

“I’m a lil like marmite – you either love me or hate me.”

Ah, ok, so you’re not a “lil like marmite” because you’re thick, pasty and smell like shit? Why include such an inappropriate and over-used slogan in your profile? If you do include one, at least use something interesting, like:

• “I’m like Gillette – the best a man can get”
• “I’m a bit like your MasterCard – I’m your flexible friend”
• “I’m a bit like Kelloggs Frosties… I’m grrrrrreat!”

Anyway, this observation got me wondering what company slogan comparisons I could use in my own online dating profile. I think I’ll include some of the following:

I am like:

Sony: like.no.other
Stella Artois: Reassuringly expensive
Britvic: Simply the best there is
Greggs Bakers: Ready when you are
Burger King: The home of the Whopper
KFC: Finger lickin’ good
Milky Way: I’m the sweet you can eat between meals (without ruining your appetite)
Energizer Batteries: I keep going, and going, and going
Martini: Any time, any place, any where
Sainsbury’s: Try something new today
Peperami: I’m a bit of an animal
Nintendo DS: Touching is good
Pringles: Once I pop, the fun don’t stop
Rennie: Powerful relief in just two minutes
Burger King (2): It takes two hands to hold a Whopper
Rowntrees Fruit Gums: There’s juice loose aboot this hoose
Opal Fruits: Made to make your mouth water
Smarties: Wot a lot I got
Hewlett Packard: Expanding possibilities
Shredded Wheat: Bet you can’t eat three

and finally, my favourite:
Wagon Wheels: It’s so big, you’ve gotta grin to get it in

Alastair

You know what? Snow reminds me of a distant Auntie’s visit on Christmas Day. Everything seems very pleasant and enjoyable for the first 5 minutes and the children enjoy playing with her. But then you realise that she hasn’t really brought anything nice with her. She then overstays her welcome, irritates you to the point of hatred and gives you a frosty reception when you attempt to reshape her into a man.

Still, at least you can rely on teenagers to provide a smile in the snowy weather. I don’t know about you, but I feel positive that the future of our country will be safe in the hands of our young folk; particularly the ‘sensible ones’ who walk around in the bitter cold wearing t-shirts (or hoodies) and writing “amusing” messages on the front of parked cars. I watch them walk down the road, hoping that at some point they might slip over and impale themselves on a fence post. Should it happen, I intend to nip out and transcribe the word “twat!” in the pool of blood lying next to them. Hey, I may even draw a little picture.

So, you’ve just finished watching the lunchtime news on the television. The economy continues to struggle, there are concerns about terrorists wearing explosive underpants and snow is on the way. For some reason, the first two things don’t worry you (even though you’re due to fly to Manchester next week to take part in an episode of Mastermind, in which, incidentally, your specialist subject will be ‘Insect Secretions’). However, the mention of snow is a serious concern.

Worried by what you’ve heard, you switch on the weather forecast and, within seconds, it comes up with a no-nonsense summary of what is to come: Severe Weather Warning: Heavy Snow. You go into a momentary state of shock and, for a split second, the weather forecaster transforms into the Grim Reaper and points his scythe at you. Sensing the need for urgency, you make a quick decision: It’s time to panic in a way that only British people can… *begin Benny Hill music*

The Supermarket Trip

Worried that other people might buy up everything that would help you survive being snowed in by the anticipated 20ft of snow, you jump straight into your car and speed to the local supermarket. After fighting your way into the car park you squeeze into a small space; parking half on the grass verge and half on the man collecting the trolleys. You grab a trolley and sprint through the supermarket doors, spinning a little old lady to the ground as she stands perusing the Easter hot cross bun offer. There’s no time for checking she’s ok – you’re panic buying, for goodness sake…

You dash through the store, heading straight for the bread and milk. Afterall, there are no better survival foods during two weeks of violent snow storms, and 20ft snow drifts, than bread and milk. Tins of food are not going to help and, therefore, should not be given consideration – what a stupid idea!

As you approach the bread aisle, you are greeted by a scene from a nuclear holocaust – the shelves have been decimated. A gust of wind from the stock room sends a bread bag rolling along the aisle towards you, like tumbleweed. Just as you’re about to give up, you spot a wounded survivor in the distance – a baguette; broken in two with a piece missing from the end (and a suspicious child-sized bite mark). This is no time to be fussy. You rescue the stricken bread stick and lift it gently into your trolley, as if you were lifting an elderly lady out of a chair (or off the floor, together with her hot cross buns). Great, your emergency survival kit is underway.

Next stop, milk. As you reach aisle 435, having fought your way through the crowds of 75 year olds scrapping over the last few boxes of Ritz crackers, it becomes obvious that you’ve once again arrived too late. The fridges are empty and there are puddles of milk lying stagnant on the floor. The scene bears the hallmarks of a battlefield after the biggest milk fight in history. You feel like crying, but can’t, for obvious reasons – it’s spilt milk and crying over it would make for a terrible pun.

So, what are you going to do – an emergency survival kit is no good without milk? I mean, you’ve got the baguette, surely you can’t be defeated at this late stage? And, besides, it’s a known religious ‘fact’ that “man cannot live by bread alone”… You have two choices:

1) Choose different milk. UHT, for example, has a much longer shelf life.

2) Slowly prowl around the store, like a stalker with squeaky shoes, and try to locate a trolley with milk in it. Then, using your ninja skills, sneak up and extract the milk from the owner’s trolley without them noticing. I mean, it’s not stealing, is it…

Any thought about trying option one leaves your head straight away – you’re in panic mode, this is no time for sensible thinking. So, temporarily abandoning your trolley, you walk around from one aisle to the next, taking cover behind other shoppers and large boxes of shredded wheat, and casually inspect the trolleys of unsuspecting shoppers. After a few minutes, you spot a young Mother and her trolley, which contains a big two pint bottle of milk – perfect. The milk starts calling you from the back of the trolley – you can clearly hear it (but, strangely, no-one else can!). It’s in a tricky position though – perched directly underneath the Mother’s four children, who sit squashed into the trolley’s single child seat. You convince yourself that your cause is greater than that of her four kids and so, whilst she is building up her emergency supply of Pampers nappies in a second trolley, you sneak up, distract the kids with lollipops taken from the end shelf, extract the bottle of milk and escape quickly, like a fart in a jockstrap.

Feeling elated, you stroll casually back to your trolley with a big grin on your face. However, a shock greets you as you return to your trolley… someone’s nicked your half-eaten baguette. The little shit!!

You feel desolate and bereft of ideas. In desperation, you do what any insane, panic-buying person would do… you head back to aisle 433 to fight over the Ritz crackers…

Some time later, you emerge from the carnage of aisle 433 (The Battle of The Ritz) – battered, bloodied, with a sore ankle where a ninety year old man bashed you with his zimmer frame (prior to you stamping on his toe and poking him in the eye with your remaining lollipop). Before you hobble to the checkout, you must get toilet rolls. However, another battle lies ahead for you. You push your trolley to the correct aisle, only to spot four children having a fight with the toilet rolls. It seems that their Mother left them there whilst she went off looking for some missing milk…

Exhausted from your shopping trip, you check out and leave the supermarket. One final challenge awaits you as you stand there surveying the car park. Where is your car? Three feet of snow fell during your 10 minute shopping expedition, so it’s not obvious. Thankfully, you spot the legs of the trolley collection man…

2009 will be remembered for a lot of events. The inauguration of the first black American President, the death of a pop icon; Michael Jackson, and the worldwide spread of an infectious contagion that originated from a porker… no, not swine flu. SuBo (Susan Boyle).

Not only is it the end of the year, it’s the end of the decade – a period in which the phrase “I’m going to play with my wee (Wii)” became a normal thing to say, rather than something to be immediately sectioned for.

It’s now time to look forward to the new decade and that means the usual new year rituals. So, are you going out with friends, staying in with family, hosting a party, joining a party or burgling the houses of those people who are out celebrating? Here are the options, laid out:

1) Going out with friends

One of the most fun and eventful ways of seeing in the New Year is to go out with friends to a local pub / club / strip bar and have a drink / dance / young, naked woman / man / could be either (depends on how much you pay) dance and sit on your lap. You drink lots, party hard and see the new year in in style. Whoohoo!

For extra fun, have a bet with your friends, at the start of the evening, on which one of you will be the first to pass out with your head over the toilet bowl, with the smell of alcoholic wee wafting up your nose.

2) Staying in with family

As you get older, this becomes the preferred method of seeing in the New Year. Sitting in your lounge with a drink whilst people on the television do the wild partying and celebrating for you. It’s always such a long build-up to midnight, as you sit there sucking on a Werther’s Original or chomping on some of the sweets, mince pies and rotting fruit that are still left over from Christmas Day. Finally, midnight arrives. You hum a rendition of ‘Auld Langsyne’ to yourself, wish your family a happy new year and then, as the fireworks go off around the neighbourhood, you go to bed. New Year celebrations over for another year.

Unfortunately, you forget to switch off your mobile phone and are woken up at 3am by a message from your drunk brother… “Heppy Nu Yar”

3) Hosting a party

So, you’re hosting a party. That means a lot of preparation – you need to ensure there are enough snacks, that you have entertainment and that you move everything that is precious to you… from the house and the surrounding neighbourhood. In fact, it’s probably best to be completely safe and move it all into storage… in the Netherlands.

You purchase a LOT of alcohol and the usual selection of party snacks – crisps, biscuits, sweets, chocolates and those horrid cheesy footballs that no-one ever eats (leaving you to feed them to the foxes the next day… who also reject them). Once the guests have arrived, you spend the entire evening running around making sure everyone is ok. This means that by midnight, you lie exhausted in the corner of the room, asleep, and miss the celebrations. Next morning, you wake up to find your lounge is a mess. The carpet is covered with cheesy footballs and red wine and, as you survey the devastation, you spot Wayne lying slumped over the arm of the sofa with a cocktail straw sticking out of his ear.

4) Joining a party

The New Year house party, without all the cleaning up. Fantastic. You make your way around to your friend’s house to join the party, only to discover that all of the fun people have changed their minds and absconded to the local pub. This leaves you to have a party with all the boring, unsociable people who sit there staring at the carpet all night, unable to decide whether the colour is light brown or beige. Still, at least Alan is there to chat to – the guy who spends every weekend adding to his impressive collection of jam jar labels.

Hey, it’s a party, you need to look at the positives – there’s food and wine. You pick up a wine bottle to fill up a glass and discover that it’s Tesco Value red wine, which tastes of squirrel piss (you should know, you accidentally drank some whilst out camping last year). You reach for a handful of snacks and… it’s those bloody cheesy footballs. Pissed off, you sling them onto the floor, spilling your wine in the process.

Luckily for you, your cheeky idea to post details of the party onto Facebook pays off, and the house quickly fills up with strange people that you don’t know. Things quickly liven up and before you know it, it’s midnight. So, you take another sip of squirrel’s piss, give a snog to the two woman hanging off either arm and then pass out across the arm of the sofa, with a cocktail straw sticking out of your ear.

Getting The Message Out

Whichever choice you make for your New Year celebrations, one thing is for certain. At midnight, you’ll try to wish all your friends and family a “Happy New Year”. You decide that you’re not one of those spoil sports who sends a text message BEFORE midnight, to try and beat the mad midnight rush (is there anything quite so pointless and disappointing as being wished a happy new year before it’s even happened?).

You’re also not someone who actually likes to talk to your friends and family. So, that leaves you with two options:

1) Wish all your friends and family a Happy New Year on Facebook… you miserable sod. Where’s the effort in that?

2) Join the fight for mobile phone network space and attempt to send a standard ‘Happy New Year’ text message to the 443 people in your contact list (no time for personalised text messages). Based on past experience, you have come up with an ingenious plan. You prepare the text message a couple of minutes before midnight, put your finger on the ‘send’ button and hold the phone by your side. Then, at the very second of midnight, you hit send and… “message sending failed.” You then spend the next hour hitting the ‘retry’ button until, at 1.13am, the message goes through. Ok, so that plan didn’t work very well.

Maybe next year you could try sending carrier pigeons instead? That’ll work… as long as everyone else in the world doesn’t send carrier pigeons too. It could get very messy!

However you celebrate the New Year, I wish you a happy one…

“Heppy Nu Yar”

Alastair Hazell
© Chasing a Noodle
http://www.chasinganoodle.com