Tag Archives: Other Humour

When Panic Buying Goes Wrong…

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I thought I was being clever when I visited my local supermarket at midnight on Friday. With snowy weather forecast, everyone in the entire country was hitting the supermarket during the daylight hours to pack their house, garage and garden shed full of bread, milk and carpet shampoo. So, to compensate for this, and to ensure that I didn’t go without clean carpets, I decided to make a quick stop to my local Tesco on my way back from a night out on Friday. It was shrewd thinking – the supermarket would be empty and I could get in and out of the store really quickly. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, tiredness and hunger meant my decisions were slightly skewed. I managed to buy Easter eggs for the entire street, enough cereal to feed a small African village, 24 bags of of cat litter (I have no cat) and 15 boxes of tampons thanks to a special offer that I just couldn’t find the energy to turn down. So, ladies, if it’s that time of the month, you’ve got a cat with mild bladder weakness and you like cereal, mine’s the place to be…

Note: Please let me vacate my flat before you arrive, as I can’t bear to argue with you over which Easter egg you want most…

You Have Been Warned…

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I took my four-year-old son to a local fair at the weekend (it was more for my enjoyment than his!!). After going mad on the dodgems and spending vast sums of money on pointless games involving guns, sticks and ball pits, we arrived at the ‘hook a duck’ game. You’ve seen the game before, I’m sure. It has a simple premise: take a long stick with a hook on the end, hold it over the ‘pond’ of plastic ducks (without accidentally hooking the wig of the stall owner) and pick up a duck.

Now, I was realistic about our chances. Although the sign said “prize every time,” I wasn’t expecting that we’d end up winning a speedboat. No, I’d have been quite happy with a giant cake in the shape of a ferris wheel or a year’s supply of toilet rolls…

So, what did my son win? Well, he had the opportunity to choose a prize from around the edge of the duck pond and he chose, perhaps unsurprisingly, a big, plastic gun.

As I inspected the gun that we had won (see how I’ve changed my son’s victory to become “ours”!), I was pleased to note that warnings signs were clearly marked on the packaging. For example, there was this warning…

Plastic Gun Packaging Warning 1

And I was thrilled to discover that the gun was very energy efficient, simply working off a mixture of flour, egg and milk…

Plastic Gun Packaging Warning 2

I’m pleased to be able to report that the gun DOES fire in a straight line… ;)

Quote Of The Day #1

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I went out for dinner with two friends (a couple) last night. During the evening, there were a couple of classic comments made. So, I’ve decided to feature them as part of a new ‘Chasing a Noodle’ category called ‘Quote Of The Day’.

First quote:
Man: “With a good borscht (beef stew) you can stand a spoon vertically in it”
Woman: “Sounds like my Mum’s gravy!”

Second quote:
Woman: “I don’t do posh, but I did once sleep with a guy who had a job…”

Most amusing! Thanks to Jerome and Jo for providing much entertainment! :-)

Yesterday…

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Yesterday

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away… but then I ate baked beans for lunch and the day started to turn. To start off with, I got chronic wind. Now, I won’t bore you with the details. But, let’s just say that you know you’ve had too many beans when you manage to whistle 3 verses of Good King Wenceslas in one go… from the wrong end. Not a good end to lunchtime.

After eating lunch, I visited the bank to withdraw some money from the cash machine. As I did so, I noticed a notice on the machine: “This machine may dispense 5 pound notes.” It seemed strangely vague to me. I mean, surely it MAY also dispense ten, twenty or fifty pound notes? Equally, it may not. Perhaps the notice is warning us that the machine is temperamental? Maybe it depends on the time of the month (a female ATM) or whether it likes the look of you. Do you think it sits there grumbling away to itself: “the little shit – he comes to me asking for 200 pounds. Right, let’s see his face when I give it to him in fivers…”?

That temperamental nature was also in evidence when I went to leave the bank. I had withdrawn money from the machine (in fivers) and put my wallet back into my pocket. I looked towards the bank door – it was open, inviting me to venture back out into the chilly cold. I walked across the floor towards the door and got within a metre of it before it closed infront of me. I grappled with it, pulling it open. As I squeezed out of the other side, it decided to open automatically again. I looked behind me, in disbelief. As I was doing this, another lady went to walk into the bank through the open door and it promptly slammed shut in her face, pushing her all the way back out again. She didn’t look happy. I, on the other hand, found it hysterically funny.

Later in the day came a final, bizarre, twist to my weird day. After completing my tasks and work in town, I made my way over to my Mother’s flat for dinner. We sat down to eat our meal in the lounge – cue a strange situation. I find there’s something slightly disturbing about eating dinner with your Mother whilst pandas urinate & shag on the television in the background.

Let’s analyse this for a minute. What does one do in that situation? Well, the way I saw it, there were three choices:

  1. Tell her not to let pandas into her flat in future – especially not at dinner time ;)
  2. Ignore the television, increase the conversation level and hope that she doesn’t notice the pandas humping against the tree… and in the shelter… and by the water…
  3. Quickly find the remote control and switch the television off… by which point she will definitely have noticed the content, leaving me to make a slightly embarrassed comment about why I switched it off.

I went for option 2…. it was the wrong option. The pandas urinated and humped their way through the next 20 minutes of TV time. Clearly, it was panda mating season and the male had been taking a daily dose of viagra with his bamboo. I’ve never talked so much and so loudly in my whole life!

Yesterday – what a day!

Late-Night Toilet Roll Mission

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Toilet Roll

Last night, I visited my local store on a late-evening mission of some urgency. I’m sure that most of you reading this have been in a similar situation before.

As I strolled through the front door of the store, it became all too obvious that it was nearing closing time. Why? Well, the shopkeeper looked positively suicidal and the only items left on the shelves were a salad labelled with yesterday’s date and a half-eaten doughnut. If I hadn’t known better, I could have easily assumed that the townsfolk had entered into Emergency British Panic Buying Mode – an event that normally occurs when weather forecasters predict a flake of snow to fall somewhere within 100 miles.

So, why was I venturing out in the middle of the night? Well, I had experienced the ultimate nightmare. No, I’m not talking about waking up in bed, with a heavy hangover, lying naked next to your best friend’s grandmother (don’t pretend you’ve never had that dream!!). I was running low on toilet paper. Continue reading →

The Temptation Of Magnetic Fridge Letters

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I spent Saturday evening in the company of friends (plus others) at their house, which they share with their two children of ages three and five years. Alcohol was present (that’s not the name of one of the children) and, inevitably when people get slightly tipsy, one person had a rather childish moment…. and it was me who had that moment (why aren’t you surprised?). Well, life’s too miserable to be short… or something like that.

Having consumed a couple of drinks, I spotted a collection of plastic magnetic letters stuck to the fridge. I felt sorry for them – all jumbled up in no particular order (or possibly spelling something out in Greek) and longing, with unfulfilled ambition, to become part of a glorious word from our wonderful English language. I felt their pain (though that could have been indigestion from the sausage rolls and sandwiches). So, to appease them, I strolled over and spelled out the first word that came into my head from my extensive and colossal vocabulary…

Fridge Spelling 1

Walking slowly back to my chair, I felt happier. But I still believed, inside, that I could do better… Continue reading →