Category Archives: Society & Culture

When Panic Buying Goes Wrong…

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I thought I was being clever when I visited my local supermarket at midnight on Friday. With snowy weather forecast, everyone in the entire country was hitting the supermarket during the daylight hours to pack their house, garage and garden shed full of bread, milk and carpet shampoo. So, to compensate for this, and to ensure that I didn’t go without clean carpets, I decided to make a quick stop to my local Tesco on my way back from a night out on Friday. It was shrewd thinking – the supermarket would be empty and I could get in and out of the store really quickly. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, tiredness and hunger meant my decisions were slightly skewed. I managed to buy Easter eggs for the entire street, enough cereal to feed a small African village, 24 bags of of cat litter (I have no cat) and 15 boxes of tampons thanks to a special offer that I just couldn’t find the energy to turn down. So, ladies, if it’s that time of the month, you’ve got a cat with mild bladder weakness and you like cereal, mine’s the place to be…

Note: Please let me vacate my flat before you arrive, as I can’t bear to argue with you over which Easter egg you want most…

Teenage Love… In The Middle Of Costa!

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Teenage Couple

Today, I have decided to work from Costa; as a break from being at home. I’ve got my coffee, I’ve got my sandwich and I’ve got my berry muffin. Unfortunately for me, I’ve also “got” a teenage couple sitting on the table next to me. These two teenagers have clearly just discovered the delights of kissing (they’re sitting there sucking each other’s faces off). Now, anyone normal would find a corner somewhere to engage in this private and newly-exciting activity. But, no, they’re literally sitting right in the middle of Costa.

I could move all my stuff (laptop, jacket, bag, coffee, sandwich) onto another table nearby. But, instead, I’m going to sit here, moan lots and think up some mischievous ideas for what to do next. I could:

  1. Tell them to get a room at a hotel (one that allows children!)
  2. Tut loudly
  3. Do nothing (and plug my earphones in)… far too sensible, that one!
  4. Hit them. Lots.
  5. Start singing. Perhaps a song such as “it started with a kiss…” by Hot Chocolate. I wonder, is there a song called “f*** off and do that somewhere else before I strangle you with my scarf and bury you both in a plant pot!!”
  6. Find the nearest supermarket, buy a can of beans, scoff the lot and… well, you can probably guess the rest…
  7. Take photographs, threaten to tell their parents and then blackmail them for everything they’ve got (£2.43 in pocket money and half a packet of Chewits)

They clearly think they’re invisible to everyone and that everyone in Costa is hard-of-hearing. I am, at this very moment, wondering whether such a public display of teenage passion is a decent motive for murder.

Maybe I’m just jealous. Do you think I’m jealous? When I was a teenager, I was just happy for a girl to notice me (usually followed by a face of disgust or a comment of “why are you standing outside the girls’ changing rooms?”). I’m not bitter… ;)

Oh crap. I’ve just noticed. I’m looking around at the other tables in here and EVERYONE is a teenager. I’ve accidentally walked into the local puberty asylum. There’s only one thing for it, I’m going to have to put on some tracksuit bottoms, spray myself with 13 cans of Lynx deodorant and don a baseball cap.

You know what, I’m going to be a bit nicer to this couple. I mean, we were all young once. I haven’t eaten my muffin yet, so I could give them that… in small pieces… projected with velocity at their faces!! No, you know what, I’ll go and buy them a present… do they sell Chlamydia Test gift tokens in Boots? ;-)

The Joy Of Text

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Girl Texting a Friend

Whether you love it or hate it, texting has become a major part of our daily lives. From keeping in touch with our friends to competitions and promotional offers on television and radio, these days we struggle to be away from our mobile phones for any length of time.

I saw a classic example of the promotional use of texting today whilst watching daytime television. A quiz was sponsored by a de-congestant and they were enticing people to find out more information by texting the word “mucus” to them. Lovely! What next?…

Latest offer: Win a pair of underpants. Simply text the words “I’ve soiled myself and my spare pair are in the washing machine” to 63352

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had numerous discussions with friends about frustrating text message conversations. Based upon those stories, I thought I’d write a post listing some typically frustrating types of text chat. You’ve probably been involved in some of the following types of conversation before:

Textual Harassment

This label applies to those people who bombard us with text messages. I’m sure you’ve been in the situation before where you finish writing a text message, hit send and a reply arrives back on your phone before you’ve even had the chance to put it down and take a sip of your tea. By replying, you’re signing a mini-contract to waste the best part of your day engaging the other person in pointless chatter. What a waste of bloody time!

Textual harrassers will, invariably, end up becoming stalkers and/or participants in late-night radio phone-ins. Continue reading →

24hr Hot Meal Vending Machine

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24hr Meal Machine
With thanks to mejh for the photo

Coming to a service station near you soon (possibly), it’s the 24hr Hot Menu (from frozen) vending machine. These are popping up all over Japan, so it may not be long before you spot one in the UK. You might see two machines alongside each other – this one for “casual frozen foods” and another one for formal chilled foods – a cornish pasty dressed in a tuxedo, for example.

So, who would use this sort of service?

Picture the scene… you’ve just crawled out of the local night club at 2am and are desperately craving some meat (as are the two hookers leaning on the lamppost across the street). The local kebab shop was fire-bombed last week and the only place open to you is the local service station. However, because you live in the roughest location in the entire world, they are not allowing people into the shop area; choosing instead to serve customers petrol and small snacks whilst cowering behind a screen of 12-inch-thick bullet-proof glass. If only there was a quick and simple way of getting some hot, fast food…

Your luck is in, as they’ve just installed a new vending machine on the forecourt that allows you to buy a hot meal. You approach the machine and stand there, swaying, whilst trying to focus on what each meal photograph is supposed to represent. One is shaped a bit like a fish and another looks like a pair of battered testicles. One thing is for certain – they all seem to come with chips. So, you opt for the cheapest one (sparrow and fries). Now then, where’s the vending machine for the condiments…?

Would you eat anything from one of these machines?

The Sperm Keyring

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Sperm Keyring Photo 1

I felt compelled to write a blog post about this as it stirred up feelings of both hilarity and shock in quick succession. The green item pictured to the left is a plastic sperm with a nose piercing (keyring). Where did I get hold of it? Go on, have a guess… (any of you who have teenage children may already know the answer to this question). My friend’s 15-year-old son was given this green ‘funky spunk’ at school. It’s part of a government initiative, which means that these sperms are coming out of our pockets… so to speak.

So, why was he given the pea-coloured, artificial semen? Well, the children at his school undertook a chlamydia test. In exchange, they were presented with a free ‘shot of plastic man juice’ (available in a variety of sizes and colours… I’m not sure how they decided who was given which) and a £5 gift voucher. I still haven’t worked out what they are expected to do with the keyring. Perhaps they take it home at the end of the day and present it to their parents, proudly announcing “look Mum, I don’t have chlamydia!! Oh, and, as a celebration, I’ve bought myself some pornography with my gift voucher…”

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