50 Shades Of Grey Can Flock Off…

There is much anticipation for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and I don’t think we’ve seen so much controversy since Sharon Stone’s beaver made an appearance in Basic Instinct 23 years ago.

Sphynx cat

I was 13 years old when that movie hit the cinemas and I must admit to feeling confused at why a small furry creature was causing such a stir. Of course, I’ve since discovered the controversy was because it was less like a beaver and more like one of those hairless Sphynx cats.

It has to be said that Fifty Shades has had a lot of attention since it was first announced that a movie would be produced from the best selling books. I say “best selling” of course, so that I don’t have to comment on the quality. Not that I know myself. My Grandma has read the whole trilogy in hardback, paperback and pop-up versions, and told me they aren’t very well written (I don’t have a Grandma, I just made that up).

The media attention towards the movie has increased significantly in the build up to the official launch on Valentine’s Day. Two weeks ago the Internet went a little mad at the latest ‘scandalous’ news. I don’t know why everyone was so shocked by the revelation that there will be over 20 minutes of sex scenes in the movie. I’m just surprised there’s 80 minutes of plot!

Those ‘revealing’ stories have continued. Last week it was reported that some cinema chains were considering adding plastic covers to their cinema seats. I don’t know why they don’t go one step further and introduce Fifty Shades of Grey branded chastity belts. Many cinemas have also introduced bans on people bringing along props, although I can’t see them going through Granny’s handbag looking for a whip (something she’ll no doubt be counting on)…

Movie slate and film reel

So, how about me – will I be going to see it? Well, I admit that I go to the cinema quite a lot with my partner. We went only yesterday, in fact, and watched the Shaun the Sheep movie – or Fifty Shades of Grey for the Welsh. There were lots of ropes, chains, dominance and sheep-on-sheep action on show – I really don’t know how it achieved a (U) rating (perhaps it should have been a ‘ewe’ rating).

Enough of the bleating. Before I consider booking tickets for the proper Fifty Shades movie, I have some questions. Questions such as:

  1. Is it available in 3d?
  2. Are there captions for the hard of hearing? How about the ‘bored of watching?’
  3. Can I get my money back afterwards (along with 2 hours of my life)?

Reports of early ticket sales have apparently revealed that groups of women are booking up to see the movie together on Valentine’s Day, leaving their guys behind at home. Now, we’re always being told to think of others, and that is especially important when it comes to the cinema. So, ladies, when you’re sitting in the cinema on Valentine’s Day enjoying the movie with your friends, spare a thought for the single guy sitting behind you (the one with the big box of Kleenex). Men can be such emotional creatures…

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