The Web Designers – Pointless Letter #4

Pointless Letter

I receive a lot of emails from offshore web design companies asking if we would like to outsource our work to them. Normally I send the emails straight to the virtual grey, round filing cabinet without reading them. However, for some reason I read this guy’s first email and it irked me a little (always a bad thing). And he then followed it up with two more emails, which irked me a bit more. So I decided to hit him with one of my Pointless Letters. Here’s the thread, with his emails appearing first…

His First Email…

Dear Sir/Madam,
 
I am Peter, Business Development Manager,
 
We are an INDIA based Web Services Company with primary focus on Website Designing & Development.

We have our competency in CMS (Joomla, Modx, Mambo and other quality Content Management System) and e-commerce website.
 
As many as 90% websites do not bring business to their potential because they do not appeal to the target audience. And the reason most visitors leave a website is because of a complex design and navigation.
So is your website really customer-ready? Not really, if we go by the analysis of our experts.
 
With an experience of developing more than 2500 websites successfully, we can help you earn more business from your website if you are ready to redesign your website.  Most of our clients have benefited from our expertise. Most firms from UK, USA, Canada and Australia overseas have achieved a significant amount of savings by outsourcing either complete or part of their work to us in India. 
 
We wish you the best of luck and looking forward to a long and healthy business relationship with you.
 
Getting started is easy. Just mail us and we will definitely help you to achieve your business goals and objectives.
 
I look forward to your reply.

Peter
Business Development Manager
 
Disclaimer: The CAN-SPAM Act of 2003 (Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing Act) establishes requirements for those, who send commercial email, spells out penalties for spammers, and companies whose products are advertised in spam if they violate the guidelines, and gives consumers the right to ask emailers to control it.

His Second Email…

Hope you are doing well.
Haven’t heard back from you, just wondering if you are interested in our services.
Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss this further.
 
I look forward to your response.

His Third Email…

I am Waiting for your response yet……
Kindly let us know if you are interested in our services, so that we can discuss it further.
We will be happy to assist you and looking for your positive response.
 
I look forward to your response.

My Response…

Pete,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you Pete. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. Can I call you Greg? Thanks Greg.

Having read your response regarding my non-response to your response to your original email, I feel duty bound to respond. I am the Response Manager and my responsibility lies with responding to responses questioning lack of response. I do hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I reviewed your initial email and you’re absolutely right. Award yourself a big gold star and stick it to your handsome forehead, Crazy Chops. Our website is not ‘customer ready’. However, I’m sure that when I make you aware of our very niche target market, you’ll sink to your knees in amazement and realise the genius behind our work. We are actually the leading website in the world for meerkats with drink problems. That’s right – LEADING!

Now Betty, I know what you’re thinking (I hope you don’t mind the name change. I hate the name Greg – every Greg I’ve ever met in my life has been a crazy, deluded psychopath!). You’re wondering how you might be able to help us become EVEN BETTER. Well, let me lay it out for you big boy…

I believe that we could utilise your skills in WordPress, Joomia, Modx, Jamiroquai, Scrabble and Deal Or No Deal to help us reach out to other possible target audiences. For example, elephants with halitosis or chipmunks with a gambling addiction. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that these are big markets with the potential to earn us millions of jelly babies every month.

As you can imagine, I look forward to seeing what proposals you might have for us. Not marriage ones though – we’re not in to that, unless you’re prepared line our hands with gold (or our stomachs with Gummy Berry Juice)

Anyway, I await your email with bated breath. However, with that said, I won’t be holding my breath for a response.

Yours truly, forever and ever, ’til death do us part.

Bruce Picklebottom

Disclaimer: The Can Of Spam Act of 2003 requires me to recommend to you a pre-cooked meat product after every email. I would like to assure you that spam can be delicious, especially when served in between two slices of pre-toasted bread, perhaps with the addition of an optional slice of cheese (note that cheese is not automatically included). If you wish to opt out of eating said pork product, you can do so by choosing not to open your mouth.

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4 thoughts on “The Web Designers – Pointless Letter #4

  1. Dude, I’ve received the EXACT message, except my guy’s name is Roshan. It’s either really bad marketing or pure spam, who knows.

  2. Dear Mr Picklebottom,
    Peter here aka Pete aka Greg aka Betty aka Crazy Chops. Thanks for your response to my response to your no response, it’s nice to finally get a response to one of my no response responses.

    I’m currently on my knees as I write this. Your organisation is obviously a finely tuned responsive one, as such we would be foolish, nay silly, nay witless, nay brainless, nay half-baked, nay pea-brained nay crack-brained, nay chowderheaded nay foolish not to work with you for free.

    I’m pleased to say your complementary new website for chipmonks with gambling habits is nearly complete, it should be finished in 6 days, evens; 5 days 7/4. As requested it is built on the Jamiroquai platform by our very best space cowboys.

    Please do not respond as that will confuse our non-response department.

    Thanks again

    yours Chutney

  3. I love those kinds of emails. I had a long exchange of business emails with Dillip in India. Due to the time difference, it gave me something to do during my coffee break in the afternoon. I tried to get him to phone me to talk business, but he was unable to get through. I still wonder what customer support at T-Mobile did to help.

    I miss Dillip and his flowery English emails.

    More power to your pen.

    Uncle Mort.

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