This afternoon, I had an online chat with a customer service representative from a well-known software company. Often chats like this can be dull, so I was determined to make it a little more interesting. However, he partially managed to do that himself with his incompetence at clicking wrong buttons for set phrases. Here’s the script of the chat…
You are now chatting with William from Customer Services.
William: Is there anything else I can help you with?
William: Hello! Welcome to Customer Services.
William: Sorry for the first statement.
Alastair: No worries, you must have clicked the wrong button. These things happen.
William: Hi Alastair.
William: May I please have your email address registered with your account while I review your request?
Alastair: Yes, it’s …@…. (but only on weekends)
William: Thank you.
William: I understand that you have ordered the software and did not receive the download link to your account. Am I right?
Alastair: I’ve received the link to the login page but, I don’t know what to log in with…
William: I am sorry to hear that.
Alastair: Thank you, that means a lot.
William: Welcome, Let me see how best I can help you with this issue. May I place you on hold for 2-3 minutes while I check for the information.
Alastair: Sure, please go ahead. Am I allowed to hum the theme to Two And A Half Men whilst I wait?
Alastair: “men men men, menmen menmen men, men men men…”
William: Thank you for waiting. One moment please.
Alastair: You’re welcome. I hope you don’t mind, but whilst I have been waiting I’ve been vacuuming and dusting (this office needs a damn good clean, I tell you! Are any of your friends cleaners, by any chance?)
William: Thank you for the patience.
Alastair: That’s what my Doctor said yesterday when I took some of my ill friends in for their flu inoculations…
William: Sorry for the wait. Please do stay online.
Alastair: I’m quite happy to do that, so long as I don’t have an urgent need to pee, bake a cake or polish my wok…
William: Not to worry, I will send you the reset password link to your email address. please login to this email and click on the password link to reset the password. Is that fine with you?
Alastair: Yes, please do. Thank you. How long is the email likely to take? Is it going to be instant or should I get a sleeping bag?
William: Thank you for the patience.
Alastair: That’s what my Doctor said this morning when I took some of my ill family members in for their flu inoculations…
William: I have sent you the password link. Please login to this email and click on the password link to reset the password.
Alastair: Ok. I’m waiting for the email – do you know how long it might take? (I’m just wondering if I have time to hang the washing out?)
William: Let me check information for you.
Alastair: Thank you.
William: Here’s the link: please click on the link to reset the password.
Alastair: Perfect – that’s worked.
William: That’s great! Is there anything else I can help you with?
Alastair: No, that’s all. Thanks William. If only everyone in the world was as helpful and efficient as you. May you be blessed with happiness, good fortune and a large tub of cottage cheese…
William: You may receive an email survey in reference to this interaction. Your feedback is very much appreciated.
Alastair: Sure. I’ll suggest they give you a big, gold star and promote you to management. I think I’ve asked this before, but are any of your friends cleaners?
William: It’s my pleasure serving you.
William: Since we have not heard from you for some time, we will now end this chat. Please click to chat with us again if we can be of further assistance.
William: Sorry for the last statement.
William: Thank you for contacting us. We are available 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Goodbye!
Alastair: The pleasure has been all mine.
Alastair: What have you done with my cat!?
Alastair: Sorry for the last statement (clicked the wrong button!).