The Web Designers – Pointless Letter #4

Pointless Letter

I receive a lot of emails from offshore web design companies asking if we would like to outsource our work to them. Normally I send the emails straight to the virtual grey, round filing cabinet without reading them. However, for some reason I read this guy’s first email and it irked me a little (always a bad thing). And he then followed it up with two more emails, which irked me a bit more. So I decided to hit him with one of my Pointless Letters. Here’s the thread, with his emails appearing first…

His First Email…

Dear Sir/Madam,
 
I am Peter, Business Development Manager,
 
We are an INDIA based Web Services Company with primary focus on Website Designing & Development.

We have our competency in CMS (Joomla, Modx, Mambo and other quality Content Management System) and e-commerce website.
 
As many as 90% websites do not bring business to their potential because they do not appeal to the target audience. And the reason most visitors leave a website is because of a complex design and navigation.
So is your website really customer-ready? Not really, if we go by the analysis of our experts.
 
With an experience of developing more than 2500 websites successfully, we can help you earn more business from your website if you are ready to redesign your website.  Most of our clients have benefited from our expertise. Most firms from UK, USA, Canada and Australia overseas have achieved a significant amount of savings by outsourcing either complete or part of their work to us in India. 
 
We wish you the best of luck and looking forward to a long and healthy business relationship with you.
 
Getting started is easy. Just mail us and we will definitely help you to achieve your business goals and objectives.
 
I look forward to your reply.

Peter
Business Development Manager
 
Disclaimer: The CAN-SPAM Act of 2003 (Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing Act) establishes requirements for those, who send commercial email, spells out penalties for spammers, and companies whose products are advertised in spam if they violate the guidelines, and gives consumers the right to ask emailers to control it.

His Second Email…

Hope you are doing well.
Haven’t heard back from you, just wondering if you are interested in our services.
Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss this further.
 
I look forward to your response.

His Third Email…

I am Waiting for your response yet……
Kindly let us know if you are interested in our services, so that we can discuss it further.
We will be happy to assist you and looking for your positive response.
 
I look forward to your response.

My Response…

Pete,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you Pete. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. Can I call you Greg? Thanks Greg.

Having read your response regarding my non-response to your response to your original email, I feel duty bound to respond. I am the Response Manager and my responsibility lies with responding to responses questioning lack of response. I do hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I reviewed your initial email and you’re absolutely right. Award yourself a big gold star and stick it to your handsome forehead, Crazy Chops. Our website is not ‘customer ready’. However, I’m sure that when I make you aware of our very niche target market, you’ll sink to your knees in amazement and realise the genius behind our work. We are actually the leading website in the world for meerkats with drink problems. That’s right – LEADING!

Now Betty, I know what you’re thinking (I hope you don’t mind the name change. I hate the name Greg – every Greg I’ve ever met in my life has been a crazy, deluded psychopath!). You’re wondering how you might be able to help us become EVEN BETTER. Well, let me lay it out for you big boy…

I believe that we could utilise your skills in WordPress, Joomia, Modx, Jamiroquai, Scrabble and Deal Or No Deal to help us reach out to other possible target audiences. For example, elephants with halitosis or chipmunks with a gambling addiction. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that these are big markets with the potential to earn us millions of jelly babies every month.

As you can imagine, I look forward to seeing what proposals you might have for us. Not marriage ones though – we’re not in to that, unless you’re prepared line our hands with gold (or our stomachs with Gummy Berry Juice)

Anyway, I await your email with bated breath. However, with that said, I won’t be holding my breath for a response.

Yours truly, forever and ever, ’til death do us part.

Bruce Picklebottom

Disclaimer: The Can Of Spam Act of 2003 requires me to recommend to you a pre-cooked meat product after every email. I would like to assure you that spam can be delicious, especially when served in between two slices of pre-toasted bread, perhaps with the addition of an optional slice of cheese (note that cheese is not automatically included). If you wish to opt out of eating said pork product, you can do so by choosing not to open your mouth.

The Fun Of Online Customer Services

Customer Services - Help

This afternoon, I had an online chat with a customer service representative from a well-known software company. Often chats like this can be dull, so I was determined to make it a little more interesting. However, he partially managed to do that himself with his incompetence at clicking wrong buttons for set phrases. Here’s the script of the chat…

You are now chatting with William from Customer Services.

William: Is there anything else I can help you with?
William: Hello! Welcome to Customer Services.
William: Sorry for the first statement.

Robert: No worries, you must have clicked the wrong button. These things happen.

William: Hi Robert.

Robert: Hi.

William: May I please have your email address registered with your account while I review your request?

Robert: Yes, it’s …@…. (but only on weekends)

William: Thank you.
William: I understand that you have ordered the software and did not receive the download link to your account. Am I right?

Robert: I’ve received the link to the login page but, I don’t know what to log in with…

William: I am sorry to hear that.

Robert: Thank you, that means a lot.

William: Welcome, Let me see how best I can help you with this issue. May I place you on hold for 2-3 minutes while I check for the information.

Robert: Sure, please go ahead. Am I allowed to hum the theme to Two And A Half Men whilst I wait?
Robert: “men men men, menmen menmen men, men men men…”

William: Thank you for waiting. One moment please.

Robert: You’re welcome. I hope you don’t mind, but whilst I have been waiting I’ve been vacuuming and dusting (this office needs a damn good clean, I tell you! Are any of your friends cleaners, by any chance?)

William: Thank you for the patience.

Robert: That’s what my Doctor said yesterday when I took some of my ill friends in for their flu inoculations…

William: Sorry for the wait. Please do stay online.

Robert: I’m quite happy to do that, so long as I don’t have an urgent need to pee, bake a cake or polish my wok…

William: Not to worry, I will send you the reset password link to your email address. please login to this email and click on the password link to reset the password. Is that fine with you?

Robert: Yes, please do. Thank you. How long is the email likely to take? Is it going to be instant or should I get a sleeping bag?

William: Thank you for the patience.

Robert: That’s what my Doctor said this morning when I took some of my ill family members in for their flu inoculations…

William: I have sent you the password link. Please login to this email and click on the password link to reset the password.

Robert: Ok. I’m waiting for the email – do you know how long it might take? (I’m just wondering if I have time to hang the washing out?)

William: Let me check information for you.

Robert: Thank you.

William: Here’s the link: please click on the link to reset the password.

Robert: Perfect – that’s worked.

William: That’s great! Is there anything else I can help you with?

Robert: No, that’s all. Thanks William. If only everyone in the world was as helpful and efficient as you. May you be blessed with happiness, good fortune and a large tub of cottage cheese…

William: You may receive an email survey in reference to this interaction. Your feedback is very much appreciated.

Robert: Sure. I’ll suggest they give you a big, gold star and promote you to management. I think I’ve asked this before, but are any of your friends cleaners?

William: It’s my pleasure serving you.
William: Since we have not heard from you for some time, we will now end this chat.  Please click to chat with us again if we can be of further assistance.
William: Sorry for the last statement.
William: Thank you for contacting us.  We are available 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Goodbye!

Robert: The pleasure has been all mine.
Robert: What have you done with my cat!?
Robert: Sorry for the last statement (clicked the wrong button!).