Close The Bloody Door!

Grrrrrrrrrr

Today I’m going to have a rant about something (or rather, ‘someone’) that really pisses me off…

The guy (or woman – this isn’t a gender-specific annoyance) who walks into a cafe on a cold day and leaves the door open. It only takes 2 seconds to close the door and save everyone from a chilling blast of arctic cold up their jacksey.

Yet this idiot, wearing his super-thick winter coat, doesn’t think about that, does he?

So, what happens next?

You get up from your chair and walk across to ‘ferme la porte‘, ensuring that you slam it hard enough that the noise resonates around the room and shakes all the pictures off the walls. Everyone looks up at you, except for the ignorant ‘merde‘ who left it ajar in the first place. You then trudge back to your seat (although in your mind you’re walking up to the man, grabbing his head and bashing it onto the counter infront of him).

You sit down, feeling irritated, and continue with what you were doing (the crossword in the newspaper, in which, coincidentally, the answer to 4 across is ‘tosspot’ – well, it’s not really, but it does fit, so f*ck it!)

Just as your mood begins to return to somewhere near normality, the inevitable happens. The guy has ordered take-away and, having paid for his sandwich and coffee by emptying the entire collection of loose change from his wallet, bag and coat pockets into a heap on to the counter, he opens the door and goes to walk out. You’re waiting for him to either shut the door behind him or give you the motive for murder.

Instead, he taunts you by doing neither and begins a long goodbye speech to the cafe owner (with the door wide open). Well, that’s enough for you – you get up off your chair, spilling the unfinished crossword to the floor, and sprint across the room, slamming the door in his face and knocking him and his coffee half way down the street. That’ll teach the little ‘4 across!’


Update: To my delight, I’ve just found out that there’s a ‘Close The Door’ campaign in the UK. Find out more about it here.

Why Men Hate Valentine’s Day

Valentine's Day

Valentines Day is fast approaching – the time of year that florists and card shop owners rejoice, whilst the rest of us cringe with dread.

One wonders who hates Valentine’s Day more – the man trying to find something suitably romantic for his partner or the guy who receives nothing and ends the day unloved… and locked up for stalking.

So, for a man, how does a typical Valentine’s Day shopping trip turn out…

It’s February the 13th and you’ve left it late. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and you’ve put the dreaded shopping trip off as long as you can. Your prayers for a nuclear holocaust have gone unanswered. What’s more, your clever scheme to coat the 2010 calendar in dog food didn’t work either. Your hungry dog, Charlie, ignored it and chewed through your favourite pair of slippers instead. There’s only one thing for it, you’re going to have to go out shopping.

So, what should you buy? You’re going to need one hell of a romantic gesture to beat last year’s effort. Spelling “I love you Catharine Elizabeth Alexandra Mackenzie” in your own blood, whilst bungee jumping from a crane, resulted in a month in the Intensive Care ward. You can only blame yourself… for choosing a partner with such a long name. On the plus side, the effort did win you immense respect (from other men). Continue reading

Questions Not To Ask On A First Date

First Date

We’ve all been there – the nervous first date. You meet up with your victim/date and sit down to chat over a coffee. But, after a while you’ve exhausted the regular questions like “so, what do you do for a living?” and “lovely weather, isn’t it?” There’s an awkward silence as you both reach for the last digestive biscuit…

To help you, I’ve come up with a handy list of questions that you can ask your date, to get the conversation moving again.

Here’s some good ones:

  1. What is your dream job?
  2. Do you have any interesting collections?
  3. If you could wake up tomorrow with any ability, what would you choose?
  4. If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
  5. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
  6. If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Continue reading