New year, new calendar

A new year can mean only one thing… Easter eggs on sale in supermarkets? No, the other thing – it’s time to buy a new wall calendar.

It’s become something of a tradition for me to have a calendar on the wall in my office at home, serving as a handy reminder for upcoming birthdays and appointments. For me, the traditional format of the wall calendar has always been perfect – it doesn’t need to change and it certainly doesn’t need to offer me something new. So, please, if you would, explain this concept to me – the “16 month” calendar

Life is Sweet - 16 Month Calendar

Let’s look at the case for the prosecution. A year is 12 months – it has been for several thousand years and I don’t see that changing anytime soon, even with Donald Trump in office. In addition, there is nothing wrong with the existing format of a wall calendar – it serves a great purpose, allowing me to quickly refer to upcoming events whilst displaying a nice picture for me to look at for a period of anything between 28 and 31 days.

So, why does it need to offer me something extra?

Rather madly, it’s followed the example of the toothbrush that cleans your tongue and the 48 hour deodorant (who needs a deodorant that lasts 48 hours?). The truth is this:

I don’t want a 16 month calendar any more than I want a wristwatch with edible hands.

Is the fact that it has ’16 months’ supposed to sway my opinion about buying it? Surely the content of the calendar is enough do that. I mean, calendar manufacturers seem to cater for all tastes now, so you’re surely going to be spoilt for choice? Calendars about cars, boats, cities of the world, hot guys, baby animals, hot guys with baby animals…

Guys with animals calendar

Clearly this particular calendar is designed to cater for the man or woman who likes hot guys and also likes baby animals. However, the manufacturer of this calendar hasn’t really gone with a comprehensive list of baby animals for their ’13 month’ calendar. Let’s go through the list of “animals” on offer, month by month:

Guys with animals calendar - back

January: Dog
February: Dog
March: Cat (small – awww, how cute…)
April: Dog
May: Dog
June: Dog
July: Dog
August: Dog
September: Dog
October: Dogs (x2)
November: Dog
December: Dog
Extra month: Cat

A grand total, then, of 11 dogs and 2 cats. Consider that there are over a million species of animal in the world. Surely, then, the calendar should accurately be titled as “hot guys with some cats and dogs”. To be “hot guys with animals”, the photos should have been composed a little like this:

January: Hot guy with kangaroo
February: Hot guy with sheep
March: Hot guy with giraffe
April: Hot guy with Tasseled Wobbegong (it’s a shark, apparently)
etc, etc.

And that’s before we even get to the Cockchafer (beetle)…

I think you’ll agree this list would make for a far more impressive calendar, and with such an enormous list of animal species there’s potential for them to extend their calendar to 1 million months!

Where-ever you are and whatever your view, I think we can agree on one thing. Product marketers are looking for increasingly daft ways of trying to make you part with your cash for their product. And the calendar has become no exception.

May 2017 bring you 16 months of health, happiness and 2-for-1 offers on tongue-cleaning toothbrushes…

50 Shades Of Grey Can Flock Off…

There is much anticipation for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and I don’t think we’ve seen so much controversy since Sharon Stone’s beaver made an appearance in Basic Instinct 23 years ago.

Sphynx cat

I was 13 years old when that movie hit the cinemas and I must admit to feeling confused at why a small furry creature was causing such a stir. Of course, I’ve since discovered the controversy was because it was less like a beaver and more like one of those hairless Sphynx cats.

It has to be said that Fifty Shades has had a lot of attention since it was first announced that a movie would be produced from the best selling books. I say “best selling” of course, so that I don’t have to comment on the quality. Not that I know myself. My Grandma has read the whole trilogy in hardback, paperback and pop-up versions, and told me they aren’t very well written (I don’t have a Grandma, I just made that up).

The media attention towards the movie has increased significantly in the build up to the official launch on Valentine’s Day. Two weeks ago the Internet went a little mad at the latest ‘scandalous’ news. I don’t know why everyone was so shocked by the revelation that there will be over 20 minutes of sex scenes in the movie. I’m just surprised there’s 80 minutes of plot!

Those ‘revealing’ stories have continued. Last week it was reported that some cinema chains were considering adding plastic covers to their cinema seats. I don’t know why they don’t go one step further and introduce Fifty Shades of Grey branded chastity belts. Many cinemas have also introduced bans on people bringing along props, although I can’t see them going through Granny’s handbag looking for a whip (something she’ll no doubt be counting on)…

Movie slate and film reel

So, how about me – will I be going to see it? Well, I admit that I go to the cinema quite a lot with my partner. We went only yesterday, in fact, and watched the Shaun the Sheep movie – or Fifty Shades of Grey for the Welsh. There were lots of ropes, chains, dominance and sheep-on-sheep action on show – I really don’t know how it achieved a (U) rating (perhaps it should have been a ‘ewe’ rating).

Enough of the bleating. Before I consider booking tickets for the proper Fifty Shades movie, I have some questions. Questions such as:

  1. Is it available in 3d?
  2. Are there captions for the hard of hearing? How about the ‘bored of watching?’
  3. Can I get my money back afterwards (along with 2 hours of my life)?

Reports of early ticket sales have apparently revealed that groups of women are booking up to see the movie together on Valentine’s Day, leaving their guys behind at home. Now, we’re always being told to think of others, and that is especially important when it comes to the cinema. So, ladies, when you’re sitting in the cinema on Valentine’s Day enjoying the movie with your friends, spare a thought for the single guy sitting behind you (the one with the big box of Kleenex). Men can be such emotional creatures…

Naming the new ‘planet earth’

Planets

So, today we awoke to news that scientists have discovered a new earth-like planet. That’s nice. It’s just a shame they couldn’t have been more creative in naming it. Kepler 438b – that’s not a name, it’s a car numberplate. Thank goodness Christopher Columbus wasn’t of the same mindset when he sailed thousands of miles to discover the land of… Alan 928c.

They should have followed the same rules as Hollywood or the Romans – great names like Pandora (from Avatar), Pluto (from Disney…) or Saturn (which, you must admit, has a ring to it… many, in fact).

Moon Seeks Independence

Following Scotland’s bid to split from the United Kingdom, the Moon has decided to follow in their footsteps and seek independence from the Earth after 4.5 billion years.

Speaking via Skype, the Man on the Moon (otherwise known as the First Minister) commented:

“Honestly, what do you expect? You Earth people haven’t visited us for over 40 years – you haven’t so much as sent flowers or Christmas gifts. Even an Amazon gift card would have meant something…”

He continued:

“The last time you came over, in your weird-looking suits, you barely said a word to us and just strolled around taking photographs, eating our cheese and planting down flags as if you owned the place. Well, enough! We’ve decided to move to Mars, where we feel we will be better appreciated. And you can manage your ocean tides yourselves, you bastards!”

Support is said to be high for the move, with 100% of the population of the Moon in favour when a recent straw poll was conducted. Notably, tennis player Andy Murray has come out in support of the move, although suggestions that he might go and live there have been quickly rebuffed…

Anyone For Soup?

Now, you’ll probably appreciate it when I tell you that I’m no expert on kitchen utensils. Until recently I believed that Pestle and Mortar was a U.S. crime drama tv series from the 1980s.

However, I think that if I use this Tesco ‘ladle’ to serve [cream of hedgehog] soup at my upcoming dinner party (which is entirely fabricated to make the joke, so please don’t expect an invite) you’ll all be going rather hungry…

The Ladle...

Still… “every little helps”…