Feb 8th, 2010
by alastair.
Valentines Day is fast approaching – the time of year that florists and card shop owners rejoice, whilst the rest of us cringe with dread.
One wonders who hates Valentine’s Day more – the man trying to find something suitably romantic for his partner or the guy who receives nothing and ends the day unloved… and locked up for stalking.
So, for a man, how does a typical Valentine’s Day shopping trip turn out…
It’s February the 13th and you’ve left it late. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and you’ve put the dreaded shopping trip off as long as you can. Your prayers for a nuclear holocaust have gone unanswered. What’s more, your clever scheme to coat the 2010 calendar in dog food didn’t work either. Your hungry dog, Charlie, ignored it and chewed through your favourite pair of slippers instead. There’s only one thing for it, you’re going to have to go out shopping.
So, what should you buy? You’re going to need one hell of a romantic gesture to beat last year’s effort. Spelling “I love you Catharine Elizabeth Alexandra Mackenzie” in your own blood, whilst bungee jumping from a crane, resulted in a month in the Intensive Care ward. You can only blame yourself… for choosing a partner with such a long name. On the plus side, the effort did win you immense respect (from other men). Continue reading →
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Posted in: Alastair's Articles, Humorous Stories.
Tagged: Dating · Other Humour · People · romance
Feb 2nd, 2010
by alastair.
We’ve all been there – the nervous first date. You meet up with your victim/date and sit down to chat over a coffee. But, after a while you’ve exhausted the regular questions like “so, what do you do for a living?” and “lovely weather, isn’t it?” There’s an awkward silence as you both reach for the last digestive biscuit…
To help you, I’ve come up with a handy list of questions that you can ask your date, to get the conversation moving again.
Here’s some good ones:
- What is your dream job?
- Do you have any interesting collections?
- If you could wake up tomorrow with any ability, what would you choose?
- If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
- If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Continue reading →
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Posted in: Other Humour.
Tagged: Dating · Other Humour · People
Jan 23rd, 2010
by alastair.
Ok, I admit it, I’ve been dabbling in the world of online dating. It’s been an interesting and, occasionally, eye-opening experience.
Earlier today, I was looking through a few online dating profiles and the following irritating phrase came up several times:
“I’m a lil like marmite – you either love me or hate me.”
Ah, ok, so you’re not a “lil like marmite” because you’re thick, pasty and smell like shit? Why include such an inappropriate and over-used slogan in your profile? If you do include one, at least use something interesting, like:
- “I’m like Gillette – the best a man can get”
- “I’m a bit like your MasterCard – I’m your flexible friend”
- “I’m a bit like Kelloggs Frosties… I’m grrrrrreat!”
Continue reading →
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Posted in: Other Humour, Rants, The Internet.
Tagged: Dating · Other Humour · The Internet
Jan 18th, 2010
by alastair.
Are you addicted to Facebook – the social media website? Do you find yourself logging on whilst at work, at home in bed, on the toilet and in the bath?
Following on from my popular article, The Self-Importance of Facebook & Twitter, I aim to find out just how addicted to social media you are, using this simple story test.
Select the options that best apply to you…
1. It is 8am on Monday morning and you wake up feeling weary, having ended a late-night Facebook Poker game at 5am. You lost $8,456,947 to a guy named ‘Billy J‘, who you’ve never met (it’s a good job the money isn’t real). You stare are your alarm clock in disbelief – in 10 minutes the bus leaves for work. Which of these best applies to you?
- You get dressed quickly, grab a piece of toast and scamper to the bus stop, with your shoes on the wrong feet and your underwear sticking out of your trousers.
- You log straight on to Facebook to check your messages and your poker balance (hey, they give you $10 worth of chips just for logging on, reducing your balance to -$8,456,937). You then post a message onto your boss’s wall to say that you’re going to be late for work (he’ll forgive you because you can get him into trouble with his wife by tagging him in those ‘Christmas office party’ photos from last year, where he was caught in a compromising position with Angela from Accounts)
Continue reading →
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Posted in: Alastair's Articles, Other Humour, The Internet.
Tagged: Facebook · The Internet
Jan 14th, 2010
by alastair.
Having read the Timewaster Letters, by Robin Cooper (a brilliant book – do buy a copy), I have been inspired to write and send a few humorous letters of my own. These letters will form the Pointless Letters section of my website.
Before Christmas, I sent this letter to the Executive Director of WAZA – the World Association of Zoos and Aquariums – to ask for some help with an event that I was planning. As yet, no correspondance has been received from them (why not, for goodness sake?).
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Posted in: Pointless Letters.
Tagged: letters · silly
Jan 9th, 2010
by alastair.
You know what? Snow reminds me of a distant Auntie’s visit on Christmas Day. Everything seems very pleasant and enjoyable for the first 5 minutes and the children enjoy playing with her. But then you realise that she hasn’t really brought anything nice with her. She then overstays her welcome, irritates you to the point of hatred and gives you a frosty reception when you attempt to reshape her into a man.
Still, at least you can rely on teenagers to provide a smile in the snowy weather. I don’t know about you, but I feel positive that the future of our country will be safe in the hands of our young folk; particularly the ’sensible ones’ who walk around in the bitter cold wearing t-shirts (or hoodies) and writing “amusing” messages on the front of parked cars. I watch them walk down the road, hoping that at some point they might slip over and impale themselves on a fence post. Should it happen, I intend to nip out and transcribe the word “twat!” in the pool of blood lying next to them. Hey, I may even draw a little picture.
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Posted in: Other Humour, Rants, Society & Culture.
Tagged: Other Humour · People · Weather
Jan 6th, 2010
by alastair.
So, you’ve just finished watching the lunchtime news on the television. The economy continues to struggle, there are concerns about terrorists wearing explosive underpants and snow is on the way. For some reason, the first two things don’t worry you (even though you’re due to fly to Manchester next week to take part in an episode of Mastermind, in which, incidentally, your specialist subject will be ‘Insect Secretions’). However, the mention of snow is a serious concern.
Worried by what you’ve heard, you switch on the weather forecast and, within seconds, it comes up with a no-nonsense summary of what is to come: Severe Weather Warning: Heavy Snow. You go into a momentary state of shock and, for a split second, the weather forecaster transforms into the Grim Reaper and points his scythe at you. Sensing the need for urgency, you make a quick decision: It’s time to panic in a way that only British people can… *begin Benny Hill music* Continue reading →
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Posted in: Alastair's Articles, Humorous Stories, Society & Culture.
Tagged: British · Culture · Other Humour · Weather
Dec 31st, 2009
by alastair.
2009 will be remembered for a lot of events. The inauguration of the first black American President, the death of a pop icon; Michael Jackson, and the worldwide spread of an infectious contagion that originated from a porker… no, not swine flu. SuBo (Susan Boyle).
Not only is it the end of the year, it’s the end of the decade – a period in which the phrase “I’m going to play with my wee (Wii)” became a normal thing to say, rather than something to be immediately sectioned for.
It’s now time to look forward to the new decade and that means the usual new year rituals. So, are you going out with friends, staying in with family, hosting a party, joining a party or burgling the houses of those people who are out celebrating? Here are the options, laid out: Continue reading →
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Posted in: Alastair's Articles, Festive, Humorous Stories.
Tagged: Christmas · New Year · Other Humour
Dec 25th, 2009
by alastair.
Some people do it in January. Others leave it until much later in the year. No, I’m not talking about the shameful breaking of New Year’s Resolutions. It’s Christmas shopping. You can certainly tell it’s Christmas. The women featured on the covers of men’s magazines are all wearing red thongs… 
What is it with Christmas shopping that makes it become such excruciating torture? Never mind about jail sentences for convicts, send them out with a difficult Christmas shopping list on December 24 instead. That’ll sort them out.
Perhaps those traumatic feelings are caused by the way in which the festive season has been taken over by retailers; continually pushing their Christmas offers in our faces from as early in the year as possible. “There are only 242 days of our Christmas sale remaining…” Continue reading →
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Posted in: Alastair's Articles, Festive, Humorous Stories.
Tagged: Christmas · Other Humour
Dec 23rd, 2009
by alastair.
At a time when they’re saying that Father Christmas is too fat and that Sex Makes Men Healthier, surely it’s time for Santa to put two and two together and get himself a partner? It’s certainly not the time to be discussing unhealthy, fattening Christmas dinners. Or is it?
I was chatting with a friend of mine about Christmas dinner and he mentioned the idea of making a ballotine. “What the hell is a ballotine?” I asked him. He explained. “A ballotine is a multi-bird roast.” The most common type of ballotine in the UK is called a turducken. To make one, you stuff multiple birds (ooh-err missus), one inside the other, before cooking. As an alternative, if you use a Goose in your turducken, instead of a Turkey, it’s called a gooducken (I’m glad there’s no ‘f’ in the middle there).
All of this got me thinking, in my usual mischievous way… Continue reading →
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Posted in: Alastair's Articles, Festive.
Tagged: Christmas · food
