50 Shades Of Grey Can Flock Off…

There is much anticipation for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and I don’t think we’ve seen so much controversy since Sharon Stone’s beaver made an appearance in Basic Instinct 23 years ago.

Sphynx cat

I was 13 years old when that movie hit the cinemas and I must admit to feeling confused at why a small furry creature was causing such a stir. Of course, I’ve since discovered the controversy was because it was less like a beaver and more like one of those hairless Sphynx cats.

It has to be said that Fifty Shades has had a lot of attention since it was first announced that a movie would be produced from the best selling books. I say “best selling” of course, so that I don’t have to comment on the quality. Not that I know myself. My Grandma has read the whole trilogy in hardback, paperback and pop-up versions, and told me they aren’t very well written (I don’t have a Grandma, I just made that up).

The media attention towards the movie has increased significantly in the build up to the official launch on Valentine’s Day. Two weeks ago the Internet went a little mad at the latest ‘scandalous’ news. I don’t know why everyone was so shocked by the revelation that there will be over 20 minutes of sex scenes in the movie. I’m just surprised there’s 80 minutes of plot!

Those ‘revealing’ stories have continued. Last week it was reported that some cinema chains were considering adding plastic covers to their cinema seats. I don’t know why they don’t go one step further and introduce Fifty Shades of Grey branded chastity belts. Many cinemas have also introduced bans on people bringing along props, although I can’t see them going through Granny’s handbag looking for a whip (something she’ll no doubt be counting on)…

Movie slate and film reel

So, how about me – will I be going to see it? Well, I admit that I go to the cinema quite a lot with my partner. We went only yesterday, in fact, and watched the Shaun the Sheep movie – or Fifty Shades of Grey for the Welsh. There were lots of ropes, chains, dominance and sheep-on-sheep action on show – I really don’t know how it achieved a (U) rating (perhaps it should have been a ‘ewe’ rating).

Enough of the bleating. Before I consider booking tickets for the proper Fifty Shades movie, I have some questions. Questions such as:

  1. Is it available in 3d?
  2. Are there captions for the hard of hearing? How about the ‘bored of watching?’
  3. Can I get my money back afterwards (along with 2 hours of my life)?

Reports of early ticket sales have apparently revealed that groups of women are booking up to see the movie together on Valentine’s Day, leaving their guys behind at home. Now, we’re always being told to think of others, and that is especially important when it comes to the cinema. So, ladies, when you’re sitting in the cinema on Valentine’s Day enjoying the movie with your friends, spare a thought for the single guy sitting behind you (the one with the big box of Kleenex). Men can be such emotional creatures…

Naming the new ‘planet earth’


So, today we awoke to news that scientists have discovered a new earth-like planet. That’s nice. It’s just a shame they couldn’t have been more creative in naming it. Kepler 438b – that’s not a name, it’s a car numberplate. Thank goodness Christopher Columbus wasn’t of the same mindset when he sailed thousands of miles to discover the land of… Alan 928c.

They should have followed the same rules as Hollywood or the Romans – great names like Pandora (from Avatar), Pluto (from Disney…) or Saturn (which, you must admit, has a ring to it… many, in fact).

Moon Seeks Independence

Following Scotland’s bid to split from the United Kingdom, the Moon has decided to follow in their footsteps and seek independence from the Earth after 4.5 billion years.

Speaking via Skype, the Man on the Moon (otherwise known as the First Minister) commented:

“Honestly, what do you expect? You Earth people haven’t visited us for over 40 years – you haven’t so much as sent flowers or Christmas gifts. Even an Amazon gift card would have meant something…”

He continued:

“The last time you came over, in your weird-looking suits, you barely said a word to us and just strolled around taking photographs, eating our cheese and planting down flags as if you owned the place. Well, enough! We’ve decided to move to Mars, where we feel we will be better appreciated. And you can manage your ocean tides yourselves, you bastards!”

Support is said to be high for the move, with 100% of the population of the Moon in favour when a recent straw poll was conducted. Notably, tennis player Andy Murray has come out in support of the move, although suggestions that he might go and live there have been quickly rebuffed…

Anyone For Soup?

Now, you’ll probably appreciate it when I tell you that I’m no expert on kitchen utensils. Until recently I believed that Pestle and Mortar was a U.S. crime drama tv series from the 1980s.

However, I think that if I use this Tesco ‘ladle’ to serve [cream of hedgehog] soup at my upcoming dinner party (which is entirely fabricated to make the joke, so please don’t expect an invite) you’ll all be going rather hungry…

The Ladle...

Still… “every little helps”…

I Am Stupid – Pointless Letter #6

Today I received an email reply from someone that I had previously had correspondance with (he sent an enquiry to me, I replied). However, this particular email from him was less than kind about me, so I felt obliged to respond in my own way. It’s number 6 in my collection of pointless letters

His Email

The email to me

My response


Thank you for your reply – your kind comments are more than I deserve. And thank you for your fabulous range of natty images – I found myself smiling and chuckling at them for seconds on end. Just to confirm – in the photo below your name, are you the human or the cat? I’ve never received an email from a cat before, so I’m understandably excited. :)

I have to completely agree with you – I am officially the most stupid person in the world and I have a certificate to prove it (I made it myself using the back of a cornflakes packet and some felt… the only problem was that I had an accident with the glue and now it’s stuck to the kitchen floor). With regards to my education, I like to think that I proved my teachers wrong when they said that my brain was smaller than the salad section in a Scottish supermarket. I left college with two GCSE certificates – in mouthwash gargling and plug-hole hair removal – before spending 15 years at university, eventually graduating with a degree in wok polishing.

For years I’ve yearned to be a Grounds Keeper, but sadly the only job they would give me was answering enquiries from cats such as yourself. This job and the part time job counting toe nail clippings for the local chiropodist (he likes to collect them for his world record attempt) earn me just enough to fund my heating bills, keep my cupboards stocked with spam and baked beans and feed the pet zebra that I keep in my bathroom (toilet trips are a safari all of their own).

Coming back to your enquiry, you gave me a simple question and I gave you three simple answers. Here is another one – we have a collection of 250,000 medical abbreviations and you can search either by individual abbreviation (EG: “BID” – Twice Daily) or by definition (“twice daily”, in this case). As you are aware, there is more than one abbreviation for frequency of medication and we do not have a page containing a set defined list. If we did, we would probably call it “Abbreviations For Medication Frequency” and include some animated images such as a cat wagging its tail and a weird blinking Star Trek Klingon with a hand that looks like a man’s bottom.

I hope this clears things up for you. I’m going to close this email now as it’s becoming longer than Rapunzel’s pubic hair.

Have a wonderful day – don’t get too high on catnip.

P.S: If you would like to come around and look at my certificate at any point, you’d be most welcome. Also, if you have a wok that needs polishing, I’m your man…